duct duct duct DUCTS.ORG Issue 12 | Winter 2003 the webzine of personal stories   duct
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Richard Dana


onet's Water Lilies and Manet's Peonies celebrated their partnership last evening at the second floor galleries of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Other Impressionist School alumni in attendance included Cezanne's Seated Peasant, Renoir's Still Life with Peaches, and Van Gogh's Self-portrait with a Straw Hat. Suggested admission was twelve dollars for adults, seven dollars for students and senior citizens.


A jumbo popcorn married an extra-large Diet Coke at last night's 10 PM screening of Master and Commander at the Loews 84th Street Sixplex. The Supersized couple, who saved a dollar, were "made for each other," according to Twizzlers, who was best man. The groom's previous marriage ended in a spill.

High Road/Low Road

The Long Island Expressway and the Northern State Parkway, who had crossed paths for years, were married at rush hour on Monday. Thousands of frustrated motorists attended the ceremony, which was broadcast on the :01s by 1010 WINS, on the :05s by Bloomberg 1130, and on the :08s by Newsradio 880.


"Think outside the box," a daughter of "It's all good," of Ronkonkoma, and "Too much information," of Jersey City, is to be married today to, "Stand clear of the closing doors," a son of, "Employees must wash hands before returning to work" and "Don't even THINK of parking here," of New York. The ceremony will be conducted by, "All visitors must be announced," of the Residential Admonition Church. The bride's previous marriage ended a conversation.


A black Labrador Retriever wed a mongrel of unknown extraction at the dog run in Riverside Park on Sunday. The bride, 3 1/2, was paper-trained in a classic six on West End Avenue and is a Magna Cum Laude graduate of the Come-Sit-Stay School, where she was elected to Eat, Sleep, and Play. The groom, of indeterminate age, was born in the South Bronx and was until recently a resident of the ASPCA.


A copy of In Style and an issue of the New York Review of Books were married last evening on Metro-North's 6:07 express to White Plains. The bride is a descendent of People and US. The groom is a descendent of a pine tree. The couple, who met on a bench in Grand Central Terminal, will honeymoon on a Westchester coffee table before being recycled next Tuesday.


An American Express Gold Card and a Citibank MasterCard affirmed their commitment yesterday in a balance transfer with a low APR of 3.9 percent. The union will be valid until the September statement closing date, or until the debt is paid in full, whichever comes first.


A Duracell and an Eveready battery were married yesterday in a flashlight at the Duane Reade on 23rd and Lex. A Kodak disposable camera witnessed the event, which was attended by a large selection of candy and gum. The marriage is expected to last longer than other leading brands.


A bench press and a treadmill affirmed their commitment at the Reebok Sports Club at 6 o'clock this morning. The ceremony was non-denominational, but the couple has agreed to raise their children as Stairmasters.


A Porterhouse steak and a baked potato renewed their vows at Smith & Wollensky last evening. Mayor Bloomberg, who conducted the ceremony, was later arrested for dancing and smoking a cigar.


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