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Bush Pushes for "Defense of Celebrity Marriage" Bill

Jake Novak

"Wholesome but Brief" unions must be protected, says President.

(Washington D.C.)  In a move designed to bolster his fight to defend heterosexual marriage, President George W. Bush is calling on Congress to pass a new bill guaranteeing irresponsible celebrities the right to frivolously marry and divorce at least three times a year without penalty.

"When Britney Spears gets married to some guy for 26 hours in Las Vegas, it reminds us that love can happen in an instant... and more importantly it shows that Britney probably isn't gay," said the President.

Conservative moralist Bill Bennett is joining in the battle.  "Hey, as long as they're heterosexuals, celebrities should be allowed to marry whomever they like.  Besides, betting on how long Nicholas Cage's next marriage will last is a lot more fun than betting at craps," Bennett said.

During the announcement, the President was flanked by Angelina Jolie, Liza Minnelli, Elizabeth Taylor, and Jennifer Lopez, who got together and broke up with Ben Affleck and Marc Anthony three times each, during the 20-minute press conference.

The President cited what he called, "historical evidence,"  when he also requested that Senators and House members add a clause protecting phony studio marriages, arranged to help keep gay stars closeted.

"When Rock Hudson married that broad from Universal it was obviously a sham, but it really helped the world avoid discussing his homosexuality for a long time," Mr. Bush said, "and it made all those movies he made with Doris Day much more enjoyable."

The bill is expected to sail through both houses of Congress, as soon as the conference committee tacks on an amendment allowing Congress members a 13% cost of living pay raise.


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