President of United States of America
ruth be told, I didn't know we had invaded Iraq until a coupla
weeks in. Not my fault; I was on vacation in Crawford. But I
want to go on record that I thought the invasion was awesome.
Vice-President, United States of America
I actually e-mailed the President before we invaded, but I know
he almost never checks his Hotmail account, so that was my bad.
Chairman, CEO, President of Halliburton
As president of Halliburton, I felt it was my duty as an American
to order the invasion of Iraq. We estimate that Iraq could potentially
produce over 300 billion barrels of oil over the next five years.
And with Afghanistan looking like a bust, I thought this was
as good a time as any to call for an attack.
I want to add that I think weapons of mass destruction and Saddam
Hussein are bad. Very bad. Whereas oil is great. Which begs the
question, why should someone so bad have something so great?
Deposed Despot of Iraq
So Tariq Aziz comes to me and he's all, 'Dude, the Americans
are going to attack if we don't show them the weapons of mass
destruction.' And I'm all, "Tariq, you know the money I earmarked
for weapons of mass destruction?' And he's all, 'Yeah, Saddam?',
but he says it in that way like he knows what I'm going to say,
right? So any way, I'm like totally embarrassed by this point,
but I go, 'Dude, you're going to kill me, but I used the money
to buy another palace.'
Former Deputy Prime Minister, Iraq
That guy has like fifty palaces that he never uses. He's actually
lost two palaces. Doesn't even know where they are. And here
he is, buying another palace with our weapons-of-mass-destruction-money.
So who's got shawarma all over their face? Me. Because I'm the
guy walking around, telling everyone I know that we had weapons
of mass destruction.
I'm like that girl, Carrie, on Sex in the City is with shoes,
only with palaces. So what? Sue me in international court. I
like to treat myself sometimes.
That made me come off as sounding gay, right? I have to stop
referencing that show. You'd tell me if that sounded gay, right?
Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm totally Samantha.
CEO, Major Telecommunications Company
So, I get this call from Cheney. Now mind you, I haven't heard
from this guy since Iran-Contra, right? You know, a couple of
Christmas cards here and there, maybe a commuted sentence or
a full pardon if I'm lucky. Then I get this call out of the blue:
how much would you pay for naming rights to an attack on Iraq?
White House Chief of Staff
Originally, we wanted to call the invasion either, "Desert Storm
II: The Wrath of Bush," or "Operation Smack My Bitch Up." something
cool like that. Then Dick comes in with this crazy scheme. And
I remember thinking, 'Wow, that guy has big balls.' And then
I was like, 'Man, I wish he would put some pants on.'
Hotel heiress; star of TV's "The Simple Life"
The invasion was actually my idea. One night, I was like, 'I
totally hate Iraq' and Dick was like, 'I need to make a phone
call'. Without putting down the video camera, he pulled his pants
back on, which was very hard for him to do, because he has these
Well, that's the very short version of how "Operation Iraqi
Freedom, Presented By Verizon Wireless,", got its name. A little
more went into it than that. I'm sure they didn't tell you about
my ridiculously large balls.
Then that's the entire story, actually.
While our troops were out taking care of liberating the Middle
Eastern Conference, I was at the ranch, working on a new national
anthem for Iraq. If you had to choose one, which would you pick: "Honky
Tonk Woman," or "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer"?
That's what I picked, too. It totally rocks.
Secretary of State
Based on all the information at our disposal, I knew an invasion
of Iraq would not be justified. I told the President, the Vice
President, and the Secretary of Defense as much.
Secretary of Defense
Look, it's not that we don't like Colin: he's a good enough
guy, but he's gets hung up on things like tangible proof. He
doesn't understand that life is often like the video game Grand
Theft Auto III: Vice City.
Funny story. I get a call while I am on vacation and I see it's
Colin's number. Soon as I pick up, he's whining. Throwing his
fifty-cent vocabulary around, yelling something about killing
innocent civilians based on unsubstantiated conjecture. Anyway,
I told him I would make him Ambassador to Club Med Montego Bay
and he pretty much shut up after that.
It's all inclusive, you know. You pay up front and then it's
like everything is free.
I did call the President to express my displeasure. He said
it didn't matter what I thought because I was Secretary of State
and this had to do with another country. Since then, he keeps
sending me beads, saying I can trade them in for fish tacos and
So we're all just chilling up at Applebee's after work when
my celly blows up. It's a call from the boys in Baghdad singing, 'We
let the dogs out. Woof. Woof.' That was our code for 'we just
finished kicking major Iraqi ass'. So I lay down my corporate
AMEX and order up some shots. I mean, we're really partying our
balls off, which, by the way, would take Cheney about ten years,
due to the sheer volume of those skin-boulders.
And it was funny, because I think it was right after Condi Rice
does this bitching karaoke rendition of 'Get Out Of My Dreams
(Get Into My Car)' that Paris Hilton says, "So what happens to
the Iraqi people now?"
Well, we just lose it. It was hilarious. I mean, from the mouth
of a babe, right? I mean, none of us had thought of what was
going to happen to the Iraqi people; we all just assumed another
department would take care of it. We really dropped the weapon
of mass destruction there. I didn't even realize it at the time;
I was tripping my face off.
Rummy and D.C. asked me to be the provisional leader of Iraq
until things got settled, but what was I going to do over there?
I don't date Puerto Rican dudes.
Founder, CEO of Starbucks
So I get this urgent call from the White House, asking me if
I can help get work for 3 million Iraqis. And I'm proud to say
that we just opened our two thousandth Baghdad Starbucks this
morning. I never realized there would be that many unemployed
actors available to work over there.
So I go home to Tikrit to kick it with some old high school
buddies I didn't kill; you know, think things over, get back
to basics. Months go by and I'm thinking the Americans forgot
all about me; I mean, Iraq ain't that big. But then I get caught
in that damn hole.
I think things are really looking up over there in Iraq. Halliburton,
and to a lesser extent, the U.S. have our eyes on other prizes:
namely the nation of Burkina Faso. We hear it has all types of
weapons of mass destruction, and, as it happens, quite a bit
This has got to be a very exciting time for Iraq, or as we're
calling it, "Oilpalooza, Presented by Citibank." What's next
for us? Jeez, I don't know. Short-term, I hope by the time I
get back from vacation, our troops have overthrown the dictatorial
regime of the guy that's running Burkina Faso, whoever that may
And then I'm going to find out more stuff 'bout this 'conomy
everybody's been yakking about. 'Conomy, 'conomy, 'conomy! It's
like, don't you people have anything else to worry about it?
Huh, people? Janet Jackson's right booby?