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Devon For Pope In '06

Devon T. Coleman

Good Evening. Unless it's afternoon where you are, then good morning. As you know, the Pope is dead. The Catholic Church is running around, trying to find a new Pope--British Royal Family Picture Day style. So I'm throwing my pointy hat into the ring. I'm qualified. I have my own staff and everything. And I'm comfortable with people kissing my ring. Even dudes. Even old dudes. But not dudes in wheelchairs. I am so serious about that, I can't even tell you.

There are a myriad of reasons why I should be Pope, including that I just used the word "myriad". I know you're thinking, "But Devon, there's already a new Pope." And you're right, but he isn't exactly a Hitler youth anymore. It's simply forward thinking (another reason!) on my part. So if you're through thinking things I already know, I'll continue. I would make a great Pope because I'm all about the people(and the papal). Everyone was very much "up in arms" about that braindead woman in Florida. If I were Pope, this problem would've been solved with two 1-900 numbers. One to let her "live", and one to let her finish dying. It was good enough for Jason Todd, it's good enough for her. It is my firm belief that the People should make these decisions. Though there will be room for the People's decisions to be overturned. The People don't always make the right choice. I mean, really, Constantine? Before Anthony Federov? Have you *heard* Federov?

Popes have to name themselves and as everyone knows, names are important. Pope Benedict Borington The Third or whatever doesn't seem to. I would be a great Pope because I'd have a great name. Here are a few I'm considering:

Pope Space Glider

Pope Hannibal(to show my love of plans coming together)

A Pope Named Scooby Doo

Ninja Pope!

Pope John Paul IV: Citizens On Patrol

If you were a guy who hated Catholicism, would you mess with a Pope with any of those names? I can already tell you the answer is no. There are lots of other reasons I'd be the greatest Pope since that Pope who built the Pyramids, but you know, religion is all about faith. So you should just believe me.

Look for me on XBox Live. My screenname is "Gr8X_Communicator28". I'll completely let you win at Halo 2, but it'll seem like you beat me really bad. Because that's what Popes do. They give.

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