Holiday Committee
by Jonathan Kravetz

"Mistletoe is, of course, taboo"

Please take your seats. I will try to make this brief as possible, as we all have a great deal of work to do. Now, as you know, it is time again for the annual Christmas party. Mr. Wallanbee has put me in charge and asked me to designate responsibility to all of you. I suggest you listen carefully. Not listening carefully could be grounds for dismissal or worse.

Alan -- You will be charged with getting a tree for the reception area. Kindly do a better job than Peter did last year. Find a tree that is not so large it obscures our client's view of the bust of Mr. Wallanbee, but not so small as to give the impression we run a shabby business. One caveat: you will kindly purchase an artificial tree. We will avoid the termite incident that blighted last year's holiday season.

Peter -- Because of last year's unfortunate mishap, Mr. Wallanbee has decided to minimize your responsibilities. Accordingly, you will be charged with decorating the 33rd and 34th floor men's rooms. Please put Santa Clause posters in every stall. Put, at your discretion, either Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or Frosty the Snowman cutouts above each urinal. Important to remember Peter: DO NOT tack up pictures of Mrs. Clause or of any elves. Mistletoe is, of course, taboo.

"...the photocopying of private body parts."

Emily -- Please reserve the large conference room on the 26th floor. The holiday party will be held there on the 22nd of December from 5 p.m. until 7 p.m. It will not run later than this, people. Any person found engaging in any party related behavior beyond or before the given parameters risk being suspended or dismissed. These behaviors include, but are not exclusive to the following: the drinking of alcoholic beverages; the wearing of silly hats; drunken and overt flirtation; sexually offensive behavior (this, subject to broad interpretation); and the photocopying of private body parts. These enterprises will be encouraged between 5 p.m. and 7 p.m. only.

Theresa-Marie -- We have a large Jewish contingent at the firm that we must, as in previous years, appease. Therefore, you will pin up a Chanukah decoration. I think we have one of those candle holder things in the custodian's closet, behind the broom.

"...small Elvis lamp..."

Hakeem -- Mr. Wallanbee, knowing this will be your first experience of our American Christmas, wanted you to take this opportunity to become integrated into our culture; or, in his own words, "blend right into our damn melting pot." Accordingly, you will kindly supervise Peter in the performance of his men's room decorating. DO NOT take this task lightly. If a single elf or Mrs. Clause is found in these two rest stations, you both risk being suspended or dismissed.

Carl -- Alcoholic eggnog must be supplied in sufficient quantities to intoxicate our entire Executive Board and their wives. You will buy this from our usual supplier in Chinatown. See Alex in payroll directly after this meeting to receive the petty cash and small Elvis lamp you will use to make this exchange.

Wanda -- A tape of appropriately joyous Christmas music must be fashioned. You will make this compilation, careful to include Bing Crosby and David Bowie's buoyant rendering of "Little Drummer Boy" which I personally find heart wrenching. DO NOT include any songs by the following artists: Kathie Lee Gifford, Leonard Nimoy, Harry Connick, Jr. or John Tesh. In addition, do not include "Jingle Bell Rock" or any tunes that could be construed as such. This was the music playing at last year's Christmas party when Mrs. Wallanbee informed Mr. Wallanbee that she was leaving him to run off with Mr. Goldenberg, who is no longer with our firm. Mr. Wallanbee does not wish to be reminded of this painful incident.




Andy -- A gift must be purchased for Mr. Wallanbee. Andy, please see Alex in payroll directly after this meeting to receive the funds with which to purchase above stated present. The gift will be left to your discretion as the last seventeen members of our staff charged with this duty have either been suspended or dismissed. DO NOT be discouraged by this ominous record. You will find a list of the last seventeen failed purchases in your e-mail. Obviously, avoid those.

Carl -- Four male clients will be in attendance at our holiday party. These must be supplied with appropriately attired, blonde, buxom escorts. You may peruse my personal Rolodex to find an agency. Important for ALL to remember: these women cost the firm a substantial sum of money. They are not to be molested by any members of the firm who are not at least partners. Partners may only use profane language in their presence. The women are not, under any circumstance, to be touched. Any revelers found touching the above stated risk being suspended or dismissed. That concludes our committee meeting. Kindly perform your holiday chores off company time. Please perform these tasks quickly and efficiently. More important to remember: enjoy the holidays. They come only once a year.




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