Modern Times
by Jonathan Kravetz

There has been a trend, recently, to mine old television series and movies for cinematic material. We do not approve of this trend here at ducts and wondered if it would continue. Thus, we did a little investigating and discovered that, in fact, matters are going to get a lot worse!

What follows is a short list of some of the movies in development in Hollywood right now. It's a travesty, this lack of original thinking, and we want to be the first to take a stand and say this: we're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it any more!



12 Angry Men and a Baby

Quote from the movie:

Steve Guttenberg: "You don't care about your son or justice or any of us, damn it. You're just a bitter old man out for revenge."

Tom Selleck: "Quiet, you'll wake the baby."



Spartacus and Hutch

Quote from the movie:

Spartacus: "I'm Spartacus."

Slave 1: "I'm Spartacus."

Hutch: "What's he talking about, Spartacus?"




Quote from the movie:

ET: "ET phone home."

Operator: "Yes, but would you like to switch to our new long distance service?"



A Sesame Street Named Desire

Quote from the movie:

Oscar the Grouch: "Stella!"

Big Bird: "S - T - E - L - L - A"



My Dinner With Andre the Giant

Quote from the movie:

Wallace Shawn: "But I'm not sure I believe you can simplify like that. I enjoy the little things in life, spending an evening with my wife, having a nice meal, curling up to a good book."

Andre the Giant: "Are you going to eat those bread sticks?"



Beethoven: From Hairball to Eternity

Quote from the movie:

Young Jim: "Papa! Beethoven is choking on a hairball!"

Jim's cynical papa: "What the hell is he, a cat?"

Doctor McCoy: "He's dead, Jim."



Homo Alone

Quote from the movie:

Generic Bad Guy I: "Quick, grab the Liza Minnelli records."

Generic Bad Guy II: "Look out behind you!"



Rocky Balboa and Bulwinkle

Quote from the movie:

Rocky Balboa: "I got's to come out of retirement, Bulwinkle. This guy killed my wife, my dog and mocked me on public television. I'm gonna murder-ize him. You have to train me."

Bulwinkle: "Gee, Rock. Bet you can't pull your leg up over your head."

Rocky Balboa: "Yo, you're on."



Harvey and Barney

Quote from the movie:

Jimmy Stewart: "Oh, Jesus Christ! What the hell is that? Harvey, get the hell away from that thing."



Nunsense and Sensibility

Quote from the movie:

Nun: "All he ever talks about is himself, lately. It's Jesus this and Jesus that. I'm tired of it. Jesus can just go to..."

Emma Thompson: "There is more to life than love, I'm afraid."





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