Subject: Who’s your daddy?
Had that nightmare again. I’m an infant. Mary Magdalene and Jesus Christ (A.K.A. Mom and Dad) are appearing before the tribunal of Maurypovitchus, debating my paternity. Dad’s friends are calling Mom a prostitute, a ho, a groupie, an “Apostle aid,” a frankincense-digger... Dad is just sitting there, turning the other cheek, which Mom calls “passive-aggressive.” When the audience calls for her to be stoned, she gets up and says, “You fools believe in the Immaculate Conception, yet you don’t believe Jesus would want to get with this?”-while undulating her buttocks in front of the judgmental, but still titillated, crowd. Just when Maurypovitchus makes the stunning announcement, “Jesus Christ...You are the father...the son and the Holy Spirit.” -I wake up. Amen.Subject: Crucify me
Dad died at age 33. I guess that explains why I’m having a midlife crisis at 16. WWJJD? The Hell if I know.

Subject: Fine Whine
I’m grounded. The guys peer pressured me to turn well water into “Jesus Juice” again.

Subject: Motherf**ker
I struck down Achan after he referred to Mom as a MILK-a “Mother I’d Like to Knoweth.” (Yes, he meant “know” in the Biblical sense!) Sometimes, I wish Mom looked more like Serach and less like Bathsheba.

Subject: Palm Sunday, Palm Monday, Palm Tuesday...
My hands starting bleeding while I was masturbating today. Why? The self-inflicted stigmatic wounds had flared up-the wounds from the nails I pounded in to my palms to prevent me from masturbating.

Subject: Nazareth Beach marathon on tonight
I’m totally on Team Delilah.

Subject: It’s a miracle
I don’t know if I’m confessing or just bragging, but I lost my virginity today. Awkward moment: The girl I layeth shouted out “Oh God!” during the act, and I lost my wood. Fortunately, it didn’t take me three days to resurrect.

Currently humming: “Oh Come Oh Ye Faithful”

Subject: Christmas spirit
You know how people with birthdays close to the holy days get screwed over in the gift department? This was yet another way my father suffered. Think about it. The whole trend started with the Nativity scene: The three wise men showed up to the manger and were like “Here, baby Jesus, these gifts that we bear are your birthday present... and your Christmas present.”