H<\/span>ave you been injured in a car accident?<\/p>\n

If the answer is \u201cyes,\u201d then you need a lawyer.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Well, for starters, the police officers who report car accidents are always\u2014always\u2014heavily bribed by one party to say that the accident was the fault of the other party.\u00a0 This is a given.\u00a0 This is 100% true.\u00a0 How do I know?\u00a0 Let me tell you.\u00a0 I was a highway patrol officer in the state of California for seven years.\u00a0 And not once\u2014not one single time over the course of those seven long years\u2014did I ever report an auto accident without taking a bribe.\u00a0 Wake up, people.\u00a0 This isn\u2019t CHiPs.\u00a0 This is the real world.\u00a0 Cops take money.\u00a0 Lots of it.\u00a0 Every day.\u00a0 So ask yourself: \u201cDid I heavily bribe a police officer after my car accident?\u201d\u00a0 If the answer is \u201cno,\u201d then you need a lawyer.\u00a0 A lawyer like me, who will stop at nothing to get you the money you deserve.<\/p>\n

Maybe you think your insurance company will protect you?\u00a0 Your insurance company is your friend, right?\u00a0 Wrong.\u00a0 Right now your insurance company is dispatching a team of \u201cinvestigators\u201d to \u201clook into\u201d your case.\u00a0 These \u201cinvestigators\u201d will not be investigating anything.\u00a0 They will be planting evidence, tampering with video surveillance footage, hacking your car\u2019s internal computer.\u00a0 Whatever it takes to make it look like you did something so ill-advised, so irresponsible, so downright stupid, that there\u2019s no way in hell your shoddy, loopholed sieve of a policy is going to cover anything.<\/p>\n

How do I know?\u00a0 I worked for five years as an insurance investigator in the state of Alaska.\u00a0 During those five years I committed moral transgressions that would turn most men into shame-ridden, suicidal wrecks.\u00a0 I\u2019m not saying my job caused me to down a quart of heavy-duty antifreeze in a seedy Barrow motel room.\u00a0 Nor am I saying that my nude, unconscious body was discovered by an Inuit prostitute I\u2019d called earlier in the day and forgotten about.\u00a0 Or that the Inuit prostitute tied me to a dogsled and delivered me, nude, to an igloo on a windswept tundra where a geriatric shaman, also nude, nursed me back to health with strange, wailing incantations and a hallucinatory potion comprised of fermented berries and seal dung.\u00a0 I\u2019m not saying anything of the sort.\u00a0 All I\u2019m saying is that I did some dishonest things when I was an insurance investigator\u2014horrible, low, unpleasant things that might drive an ethical man to the brink of self-destruction.\u00a0 Luckily, I\u2019m not an ethical man.\u00a0 I\u2019m a lawyer.\u00a0 A lawyer who will stop at nothing to get you the money you deserve.<\/p>\n

<\/a>How do I win so many cases?\u00a0 It\u2019s simple.\u00a0 If there\u2019s bribery going on, I bribe bigger.\u00a0 I\u2019m a lawyer and always have plenty of freshly laundered, completely untraceable cash on hand.\u00a0 Nobody\u2014nobody\u2014outbribes me.\u00a0 These are just a few of the people I regularly pay off to get you the money you deserve: police, other drivers, toll booth workers, mail carriers, asphalt crews, crossing guards, small children, large children, dog walkers, the dogs themselves, judges, courtroom stenographers, bailiffs, senators, congressmen and governors.\u00a0 Find me a lawyer who has more people in his pocket, and I\u2019ll call him a liar to his face.\u00a0 Then I\u2019ll choke him and bite off his nose.\u00a0 See if I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

If, by some small chance, the parties involved in your accident are not susceptible to bribery, I will employ persuasive techniques I honed during my six years as a human intelligence collector at Guantanamo Bay.\u00a0 How good was I at Gitmo?\u00a0 Did you ever hear of Khalid Sheikh\u00a0Mohammed?\u00a0 I\u2019m not saying I was the guy who waterboarded his fat Ron Jeremy ass and made him squeal like a cut pig.\u00a0 Legally, I can\u2019t say anything at all about that.\u00a0 But I can tell you that after Gitmo I was invited to join an elite private security force in Iraq, where my nightly Humvee patrols through the flaming, apocalyptic streets of Mosul resulted in 104 confirmed kills.\u00a0 Fully half of those kills were certified non-civilian.\u00a0 Show me another lawyer in Altoona with those kind of numbers and I\u2019ll call him a liar, drive my fingers through his neck, rip out his jugular, and eat it like a soba noodle.<\/p>\n

So call now–I stop at nothing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Luckily, I\u2019m not an ethical man. I\u2019m a lawyer. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3256","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3256","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3256"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3256\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3292,"href":"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3256\/revisions\/3292"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3256"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3256"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3256"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}