Even a dog\u2019s devotion will not permit me to name him a particularly wise king. In truth, he was a bit of a beast himself, strong and large and loud and well-formed, his luxuriant mustaches setting him apart from the common run of smooth-skinned humanity, his prowess in battle well earning him his title \u2018Protector of the People\u2019, his earnest \u2013 if often ill-informed – benevolence toward his subjects garnering him the accolade \u2018King of Heaven\u2019.<\/p>\n
And since his word did always become the law of the land and at times even the law of nature, perhaps wisdom, after all, was not so very crucial a trait that he lacked. More frequently than not, in fact, he did quite well without it.<\/p>\n
This is a tale of one of those very times.<\/p>\n
MANY YEARS AGO, a terrible famine swept the kingdom. One might think that the King of Heaven might easily negate such catastrophes with a mere wave of his hand and a lofty spoken edict, but the peculiarity of his gift was such that he had to believe what he was saying, in order for it to have a chance of becoming truth.<\/p>\n
Alas, the very growling of his belly made it impossible for His Majesty to consider that all was well, and when the king himself is driven to imagine how delicious, how tender, how filling a giant squid might be \u2013 if one could only manage to capture a kraken \u2013 it is a clear indication that all is not, in the least bit, well.<\/p>\n
Therefore, he issued a proclamation. \u201cAnyone who is able to put an end this dreadful famine,\u201d he announced, before the assembled crowd in his vast audience chamber, \u201cshall win the hand of my beloved niece, the Princess \u2013 the Princess \u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
Ever alert, I was quick to growl the name in attempted aid of my forgetful master, but as always, he did not hear me over the boom of his own voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy niece the princess,\u201d he finished, gesturing grandly toward the poor girl so vaguely mentioned, who endeavored to look as desirable and rewarding \u2013 not to mention memorable \u2013 as possible, from her place on the dais.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut, Your Majesty,\u201d said a woman, striding boldly forth from out of the multitude, \u201csuppose I have no interest in the hand of your niece?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, a woman, are you?\u201d said the king. \u201cDo you say that it is within your power to alleviate this famine?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPerhaps,\u201d she said, lowering her eyes in a manner that made every curly hair on my mane stand even further on end \u2013 for I knew, from merely the look of her, that she was the very devil.<\/p>\n
Now, you must understand that I had previously been, in many ways, a quite ordinary dog. True, I could speak, but that was only a consequence of my having been born from a gourd, which cracked open and revealed me, when it was served upon an especially fine porcelain platter during one particular royal dinner \u2013 hence my name, Pan Gu. It was when I had grown far enough beyond puppyhood to understand that my name meant \u2018plate-gourd\u2019 that I began to realize that my master, for all his other resplendent attributes, was no enlightened sage.<\/p>\n
I had thus taken it upon myself as my lifelong mission to protect him from not only physical harm, but also the many perils likely to proceed from the foolishness of his over-generous and inadequately-suspicious heart, however unexpectedly such dangers might be made known to me through my theretofore-nonexistent facility to perceive the black and white of reality behind the glamorous hues of deception.<\/p>\n
And that, I assure you \u2013 that, and no other \u2013 is the reason that I said, \u201cMaster, she is not as she seems.\u201d<\/p>\n
But he was oblivious, being in the midst of asking, \u201cThen what would you have of me, fair lady, should you manage to do as you say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI would have your hand, instead,\u201d she said, her impudent smile like a knife, \u201cmy Lord, my Liege, my Sovereign.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut, Master, she is the devil!\u201d I barked, becoming heedless of appropriate courtly behavior in my alarm. Unfortunately, the crowd was all abuzz in astonishment, and the sense of my words was lost in their reverberant murmuring.<\/p>\n
\u201cHush, Pan Gu,\u201d said the king. \u201cSo be it.\u201d<\/p>\n
THAT VERY NIGHT, feeling that I had little other recourse, I set out from the palace, armed with no more than my ability of speech, the newfound gifts my master had apparently bestowed upon my race, and my own native canine abilities, which enabled me to readily follow the devil-woman\u2019s scent trail.<\/p>\n
I began with a lengthy overland journey of three dawns and dusks, which occasioned some instances of confrontation with ruffians both two- and four-legged, but as it turned out, a dog with the size and vague countenance of a predatory feline \u2013 not to mention teeth as large as human fingers \u2013 had not much to worry about in that respect. My one concern was how I was to brace the eighteen no doubt well-guarded levels of Diyu, once I arrived underground.<\/p>\n
To my surprise and relief, however, my status as a somewhat spiritual being \u2013 since I was nominally a temple guardian, as most of my kind had indeed become \u2013 as well as, presumably, my recently-gained ability to ward off \u2018bad energy\u2019 allowed me to enter and traverse the underworld unmolested by its denizens, if not entirely unharmed.<\/p>\n
A great deal more travel followed, past the Chamber of Tongue-Ripping, where gossips were silenced evermore; the Orchard of Iron Cycads, where those who caused discord among families were impaled on the razor-like branches of metal trees; and on through the Chambers of Scissors, of Mirrors, of Steam.<\/p>\n
My mane crisped in the Hall of Copper Columns, where arsonists were bound to pillars of red-hot metal. My paws were lacerated, climbing past murderers over the Mountain of Knives. Even my thick coat did not keep me from shivering, beneath the rain of pain and the wind of sorrow that constantly lashed the Town of Suicides.<\/p>\n
Still, focused on my objective, I pressed on, beyond the Hill of Ice, the Cauldron of Boiling Oil, the Pool of Blood, the Volcano of Thieves, the Mill of Stone, and the further Chambers of Rock, Saws, Bulls, Pounding, and Dismemberment.<\/p>\n
At last I found my way to the devil\u2019s very throne room, where she greeted me with rather startling delight. \u201cHow marvelous!\u201d she gloated. \u201cThe fool king has actually sent me a gift!\u201d<\/p>\n
It was at that point that I allowed myself to entertain the notion that perhaps all sovereigns were slow of mind, or at least slightly mad. It was not as though I was accompanied by an ambassador, to present me, nor was I bearing a royal seal or any other such adornment which might indicate that I had been intended as a token of esteem.<\/p>\n
Nevertheless, I resolved to take advantage of the supposed-woman\u2019s arrogance. Spying a tray of liquor nearby, I grasped it in my maw \u2013 a thing that would not have been possible, had my muzzle not been enlarged to grotesque proportions \u2013 and proffered it to her, as though in homage.<\/p>\n
\u201cA celebratory drink, is it?\u201d She took a glass in hand, with delight. \u201cIndeed, there is much to celebrate. All I need do is wait for the famine I have already countermanded to come to its end. Then I shall present myself to your former master, and become queen of both heaven and hell!\u201d Laughing, she raised the glass to her lips and drank.<\/p>\n
And drank. And drank some more, as I plied her with wine and spirits which she was utterly amused to accept, on and on until she finally succumbed and staggered, in decidedly unladylike fashion, to her private bedchamber, where she collapsed into a snoring stupor. I was permitted to accompany her \u2013 I was understood to have become \u2018her\u2019 dog, after all \u2013 which was convenient enough for my purposes, but left me, still, with a quite significant inconvenience to contend with.<\/p>\n
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