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The
swollen media hype surrounding the upcoming Presidential Elections in
November have overshadowed many smaller political processes that have
fallen through the cracks of the journalistic scope.
With
the recent poisoning death of our leader, The
Supreme Wise One, we must turn to someone with experience,
ability and a track record of high moral values. Compare the two candidates,
Jon
James, and his opponent Gary
Herman, and you shall discover that there is only one real
choice:
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JON
JAMES
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GARY
HERMAN
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On
Experience
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As
a core member of our fringe religion for over 7 years, James is familiar
with all aspects of cult life. |
Herman
has only been a member for 5 years, 2 of which were spent in a drug-induced
hallucinogenic trance. |
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On
the
Government
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James
stood beside his fellow lambs and helped thwart the raid of Hell-sent avengers
from the FBI, providing invaluable firepower to strike the demons back to
I-88, far away from our sacred compound. |
Gary
Herman merely lobbed smoke grenades at the enemy, barely even confusing
and distracting them. Is this the kind of courage we want in a Supreme Wise
One? |
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On
Rituals
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A
dedicated reformer, Jon James will call for an across-the-board policy of
40% more orgies, and will install much needed wall-to-wall carpeting in
the Tantric sex chamber. |
Gary
Herman's proposed "reforms" include a meager 15% increase in group intercourse
over the next two years. He has also come out against our long-standing
practice of total body-hair removal. |
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On
Ability
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The
only candidate with the power to speak directly to the Heavens, James has
been told by Galthar the Omniscient that eternal life and bliss is
waiting for us all on a glowing purple orb called Brainopia, where
we will all be transported in 2001 after completing a complex ritual involving
Sunny Delight, Sulfuric acid, and Lou Vega's "Mambo No. 5." |
Gary
Herman cannot hear the True voices from above. The voices which command
him are clearly those of moon-faced Zombie alien-dwarfs from a parallel
universe; the same alien-dwarfs who have mistakenly predicted the world
would end 4 times. And he doesn‰t even like Sunny Delight. |
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On
Integrity
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Jon
James has frequent sexual intercourse with every member of our flock.
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Gary
Harman only has sex with the women and young boys. |
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On
Goals
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As
Supreme Wise One, James will build a more zealous cult, will control space
and time with his brain-waves, and will spread His word of rapture, brotherhood,
and group sex to all sentient beings. |
Business
as usual. |
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Make your vote count
with Jon
James. (And remember, if you don't vote for him you
will be burned alive by the snow-white hellfire of fate.) Have a nice
day.
Paid
For by the Eternal Followers of Jon James and M.A.D.D.
please
email ducts with
your comments.
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