Dear Readers,

Because of the paucity of letters from y'all this last go-round (did my tale of true love in the last column give you acid reflux?), I've decided to take it upon myself to answer some of your most pressing questions. They're so pressing, you haven't even thought to ask them yet.

LETTERS

Dear BG,

He's a jerk to me, we have nothing in common, and when we go out, I pay for everything. But, BG, the sex is SOOOOOOO good. Can't I just keep him around for bonking?

Sincerely,

X

Yes you can. If you're a masochist.

You can say you're just keeping him around for the horizontal bop, but the truth is you're just using sex to keep him around. If the sex stops, he disappears -- guaranteed. Why am I so confident? Because, you ignorant slut, all he cares about is punching the kitty -- if not yours, someone (probably almost anyone) else's. Doesn't that make you feel special?

Where's your self esteem, girl?!? Is sex really all you want? Or do you tell that to yourself (and your friends) every time, only to find your heartstrings tied in a half-hitch around your hooch?

Here's a little advice while you're waiting for your better judgement to take over: read “Obsessive Love” by Susan Forward, “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person,” by Howard Halpern, and “If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single,” by Susan Page. And if you're still dying for some one-eyed Willie, eat some chocolate instead. As far as I'm concerned, eating chocolate is a lot like being in love.

Yours truly,

BG

There's no difference between Democrats and Republicans. And anyway, isn't Ralph Nader the only guy who can bring true change to our political process?

Sincerely,

X

Sorry, but if you can't tell the difference between Democrats and Republicans, and especially if you're a Floridian who voted for Nader, you deserve the next four years of anti-choice, Clarence Thomas-loving, death-penalty pushing, anti-civil liberties and affirmative action, hack-haunch-holding, sub-intelligent party animal, Dubya. We can only hope this will also help Nader get past his Don Quixote phase. And all the Sancho Panzas who voted for him, too.

Yours truly,

BG

I just want to play around -- I'm not interested in being emotionally involved. What's wrong with that?

Sincerely,

X

Dear X,

Nothing, if you're a teenager or a sociopath. Otherwise, grow up! Remember how much it hurt when you fell for someone who, for no apparent reason, wasn't available to you? Have some compassion for the poor soul who throws his sorry heart at your feet. At the very least, be honest about your intentions. That way, he'll have only himself to blame...

Yours truly,

BG

I'm over 40. Should I give up on love? 

Sincerely,

X

Dear X,

Absolutely not! You should live your life to the fullest. Be bold. Take risks. Live in the moment. Challenge yourself. Strive for happiness and learn to accept it -- celebrate it, even -- as it comes, even if it's not the way you hoped. Remember: there's nothing more fabulous than a confident, open, honest, sunny, interested, involved, kind, optimistic person. Don't wait around for true love to enter your life, but don't give up on it either. Be good to others and gentle with yourself. And mostly: Carpe diem, you big dummy.

Yours truly,

BG

After years of being single, I'm engaged to a wonderful guy. The problem is: after all this time fighting for respect from others as a single woman, and also fighting to feel o.k. about myself without a husband, I'm really uncomfortable being the beneficiary of  "couples privilege." People who once wondered what was wrong with me now think, "she's got a man so she must be ok." And even though I haven't changed, aside from having a man in my life, my single women friends now see me as a "smug married," as Helen Fieldings' Bridget Jones puts it. What should I do?

Sincerely,

X

Dear X,

Oh boy, can I relate! When I was single (until very recently, at 38, almost by accident, I met a good guy), people often greeted me with question marks: why is she still single? What's she doing out alone? What's wrong with her?

After almost a century of feminism, we still don't seem to know what to do with single women. Single women are, by and large, still marginalized (the third-wheel syndrome), still questionable (maybe she's a man-eater), still suspect (she must be a lesbian) --and no matter how successful, still considered less than successful without a mate. Even uber-feminist Gloria Steinem was driven by her internalized rescue fantasies into an ill-fated relationship with millionaire Mortimer Zuckerman...

After a number of years feeling conspicuously solo, I learned to steel myself against the judgments of others. I became boldly, joyfully independent. I hung out with friends, but if I wanted to see a movie or go dancing or to a party by myself -- no problem. Eating alone in a restaurant? I once felt embarrassed, but it became a great opportunity for people watching and eavesdropping and even writing without other distractions. If I often felt out of place (and even seriously depressed) at family gatherings, I still went. Most of the time. I was tough. I ruled!

So what happened? I found a guy. And suddenly, for the first time in 20 years, I'm socially acceptable. And I've found it almost painful, after all this time, to shed the thick skin I worked so hard at building. To realize the coupled are, in reality, not so different from the single. To no longer have to work so hard for the identity I shared with so many single women -- women who face critical evaluation every time they choose not to stay home alone.

It's difficult, indeed. But remember: it could be worse. You -- and I -- could still be single...

Yours truly,

BG

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