Announcer: 

And now, another letter from a satisfied Direct TV customer, as read by George W. Bush.

BUSH: 

Dear Direct TV:  At first when your people attack my country, I feel angry and sad, and pray for the destruction of the infidel.

(to audience)  That’s us, the infidel.

(LAUGHTER) 

(to camera)  But then I get Direct TV, and now I am loving America.  Then bomb hit my home, and my Direct TV not work.  And so now I hate you again.  Death to the infidels! 

(to audience)  Remember before when I said infidels?  Heh heh.  That was funny.  Howm’ I doin’? 

(LAUGHTER)

Ok.  Back to the letter.  You say you bring freedom to my country, and you tell truth because one day I have 1,000 channels.  And so I love America.  But then you take away my channels with your bomb, and there is no Dr. Phil and so I hate you again.  And now, the blood of your people shall run in the street forever!  Unless you send service professional to fix so I can watch Unwrapped on Food Network from 10 AM to 11 AM Eastern American time. 

(to audience)  This guy likes candy.  I’m ‘onna call him Sweettooth. 

(LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING). 

How was that?  Howd’ I do?  Did I get it right?  Man, that was hard. 

*Originally staged as part of Saturday Night Rewritten, in New York City.  Visit them on the web at www.juviehall.com.