Never should have told them I\u2019m Jewish.<\/p>\n
This was in the spring of 2008, the worst term ever in my career of substitute teaching. Most of that year blends together in my mind, but still, I remember too much.<\/p>\n
I remember Adrian Gutierrez blasting Albanian music on the computer for no reason. (He didn\u2019t like it either.) And while that music was blasting, Adrian was simultaneously screaming in my ear. \u201cYeah!\u201d He was screaming. \u201cWhat, what!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t like this,\u201d I said to him, covering my ears.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is my shit!\u201d screamed Adrian.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. It\u2019s not. You don\u2019t like Albanian music. You\u2019re not even Albanian.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou calling me a liar, pussy?\u201d<\/p>\n
And so it went.<\/p>\n
Call Security\u2013that\u2019s what people on the outside told me to do. But classroom phones rarely work and no security is ever in the hallway. Even if they are around, they are usually joking with the kids and making fun of the substitute teachers\u2014leaving me to wonder, Can you call Security on Security?<\/p>\n
\u201cThe 40 Year Old Virgin\u201d was the moniker assigned me by the kids that spring. I was 32. I\u2019d had sex, although not recently. Sometimes I wondered if the disrespect I endured was a problem of perception or reality. Did all of the students and teachers in the school see me as a \u201csub,\u201d in every sense of the word? As in, less than and beneath<\/em>?\u00a0 And if they did, who\u2019s to say they were wrong? In the words of Bill Parcells, Hall of Fame football coach: \u201cYou are what your record says you are.\u201d And my record says I have been a substitute teacher for 8 years in the New York City Public High School system.<\/p>\n I came to the conclusion years ago that when you\u2019re a sub, not trying is your best option. Attempts to teach caused frenzy. Sitting there doing jackshit generally limited the storm to a few scattered thundershowers. Sometimes I could even talk to a kid quietly, find out what was going on in his or her teenage life, before the other kids ostracized that kid for being civil to a sub.<\/p>\n \u201cYo, Adrian put his pubes on your head?\u201d<\/p>\n In response, I could only shake my head and say \u201cNo,\u201d quietly and unconvincingly.<\/p>\n And what about the school principle, Mr. Andrew? Wasn\u2019t he my recourse? That depends. How does one qualify such classroom goings-on to a school principle\u2014write a note and take it to him?<\/p>\n \u201cStudent in question trimmed his pubic hairs in class and may\/may not have placed these pubic hairs on my head. Please punish accordingly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStudent inquired about the last time I got some pussy, following the query with the observation that I needed to \u2018Get my dick wet.\u201d\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStudent told me she loved me. Then she rubbed my stomach and asked if I was pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStudent asked if I was gay, and when I said \u2018No, but anyway, it\u2019s none of your business,\u2019 asked if I \u2018Eat the box.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStudent faked a punch at my genitals, seeing if I would flinch.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStudent(s) threw paper balls\/markers\/crayons\/pencils\/pens\/workbooks.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cStudent made loud oinking noises in my ear before running away and leaping onto his desk.\u201d<\/p>\n It was far too much to have to explain. Best to ignore it. Let the kids wear themselves out. Some disruptions have to be stopped\u2014like fistfights. But that\u2019s tough, as you\u2019re not really allowed to touch the students. Have you ever tried to stop a fistfight without touching anyone? You\u2019re limited to urgent suggestions\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t hit him!\u201d \u201cWait! Don\u2019t hit him again!\u201d<\/p>\n In March, there was the time Devon stepped off the balcony. That was bad. He just stepped over the ledge, seemingly into thin air, and hovered there like Wile E. Coyote. As it turns out, unseen (by all but Devon) was a rickety little platform outside the balcony window. When I reported Devon for stepping off the balcony onto this platform (one of only 4 reports I\u2019d made in all my years of subbing) nothing happened. Devon was back in school the next day, saying, \u201cHey, remember yesterday when I went over the balcony?\u201d<\/p>\n This incident illustrated the substitute teacher\u2019s conundrum: if you\u2019re unable to control the class (and most classes are uncontrollable), you protect your self-interest by not reporting all of these incidents. A report means you might not be called back again, and therefore might not get paid again. And I couldn\u2019t afford to give up my creature comforts of greasy Malaysian food, iced coffee, and the New York Post. I needed those phone calls, no matter how much that 6 a.m. ring made me cringe. This was the arid plot of land on which I\u2019d pitched my tent\u2014full of skeeters, ants, and ticks. There was nothing else as far as the eye could see. So I just tried to sleep through the bites.<\/p>\n \u201cWhat\u2019s good, Jacob?\u201d one of my 10th grade students, Luis, was fond of asking me.<\/p>\n That\u2019s what the kids said these days: \u201cWhat\u2019s good?\u201d The proper response to this question is not \u201cNothing,\u201d because that\u2019s depressing. Rather, you\u2019re supposed to repeat the phrase back to the asker. In this way both parties are acknowledged, but often no one knows what\u2019s good. Which is the way life goes sometimes.<\/p>\n In this case, however, in answer to \u201cWhat\u2019s good, Luis?\u201d\u00a0 Luis responded,<\/p>\n \u201cOh man, I\u2019m so high!\u201d<\/p>\n This was a fairly common statement\u2014many of the students spent their free periods smoking marijuana, as evidenced by the parade of bloodshot eyes in the hallway. The oinking, leaping kid did coke. I knew this because when he was oinking and leaping Luis pointed at him, shook his head, and made a sniffing motion, left thumb pressed to his nostril. Luis disapproved of coke. Weed, however, was another matter.<\/p>\n \u201cYo, Jacob, you smoke weed?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s none of your business, Luis.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat means you do. You get the good stuff?\u201d<\/p>\n He was right; that does mean you do, or at least have. \u201cNo\u201d would have been the correct answer to that question. But for whatever reason, I didn\u2019t like lying to these kids. I shook my head, but accidentally smiled a little. I liked Luis, despite myself.<\/p>\n \u201cYo, Jacob, I\u2019m so high. What you think about that? You won\u2019t say nothing, right? Right. You mad cool, \u2018cause you don\u2019t do shit. Serious. Don\u2019t laugh, everybody. Chill. I\u2019m serious. That\u2019s like, his thing. He don\u2019t do shit. Ever. You can\u2019t make him do shit. He just sits there, and then sometimes, he goes, like, \u2018It\u2019s too loud\u2019, but that\u2019s just for show, so, like, he can pretend he\u2019s doing something, in case somebody is watching. I like it. You\u2019re my favorite substitute.\u201d<\/p>\n Kids told me this a lot. Despite the oinking and pube trimming. Probably because of it. Certainly, in this school, in any given classroom, there were far more votes in favor of oinking and pube trimming than against them.<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Luis.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay what?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, that\u2019s enough.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCome on, man, I got so much more. Work with me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWork with you? Sure. On what, Luis? Are you doing anything?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSee, that\u2019s why I like you. I want to adopt you. And then abandon you.\u201d<\/p>\n I didn\u2019t know what that meant, but it made me chuckle.<\/p>\n \u201cYou like that?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, that was funny.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat true! I do! Yo\u2014what do you do? You just do this? Teach?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, I also write.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWrite? You gonna write about this?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, don\u2019t worry.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, I\u2019m not worried. I want to be in your book. Is that what you wrote? A book?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cA bestseller?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWould I be here if it was?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI could read it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo, it\u2019s not out for a few months. Besides, it\u2019s inappropriate.\u201d (Ugh, I thought, as soon as the words were out of my mouth. Again, why didn\u2019t I just say \u201cNo\u201d?)<\/p>\n \u201cWhy? It\u2019s about pussy?\u201d<\/p>\n Yeah, I thought. That\u2019s what it\u2019s about. Pussy. The Great American Pussy Book.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, Luis. It\u2019s just too adult for someone your age.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYo, I smoke weed and fuck. A lot. What do you do?\u201d<\/p>\n He had me there.<\/p>\n \u201cNone of your business, Luis.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAw, come on, man. You wanna know what I think you do?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou sure? It might hurt your feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s all right. Go ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay. You sure? You sure you sure? Alright. You leave here. You put on your old, crappy Walkman. You don\u2019t have an iPod. And your batteries are running out. You get on the train and ride it home. And you put on your tape of \u2018Forever Young.\u2019 You know, \u2018Forever Young\/I want to be forever young\/do you really want to live forever? Forever young...\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Can you call Security on Security?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1003","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1003","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1003"}],"version-history":[{"count":32,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1003\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1251,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1003\/revisions\/1251"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1003"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1003"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1003"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"Screen](\"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/05\/Screen-shot-2010-05-17-at-11.24.34-AM3.png\" "\\"Screen")
This approach allowed me, during that terrible spring of \u201908, to pretend like this all wasn\u2019t really happening. It was what got me through when Adrian grabbed the scissors off my desk, and extended his arm, pulling his sweatpants and underwear away from his body so he could trim his pubic hair. Whether or not that pubic hair ultimately wound up on my bald head was the matter of much discussion among the student body in the subsequent weeks. I couldn\u2019t say for sure, myself, as so much of my time was spent staring down at the floor. But after the Scissors Incident, everyone who stopped me in the hallway asked me the same question:<\/p>\n