\u00a0“For the first time, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has sent a team of specialists to study an outbreak of obesity in the same way it studies an outbreak of an infectious disease.”<\/p>\n

- The Times<\/em><\/p>\n

As stated in the introduction to this\u00a0chronological report, the 8\/17\/07 decision of Female Parent A<\/strong> to purchase a 9-piece fried chicken tender contagion for Male Child A<\/strong> set in motion the current obesity epidemic this community now faces.\u00a0 The following is\u00a0a timeline of\u00a0infectious events.<\/p>\n

8\/17\/07: Male Child A<\/strong> consumes 7 pieces of deep-fried chicken tender contagion.\u00a0 Overfed, Male Child A<\/strong> gives remaining two pieces of chicken contagion to Female Child B<\/strong>, who consumes and subsequently requests own multi-piece contagion from Female Parent B<\/strong>, who grants approval and sends child to service counter with winning scratch ticket good for one free hot apple pie contagion.\u00a0 Female Child B<\/strong> consumes 6-piece chicken contagion at table. Apple pie contagion is brought to Home<\/strong> Residence B<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

8\/18\/07: Male Parent B<\/strong>, common-law husband of Female Parent B<\/strong> and stepfather of Female Child B<\/strong>, arrives at Home<\/strong> Residence B<\/strong> and discovers apple pie contagion in refrigerator. Male Parent B<\/strong> warms apple pie contagion in microwave oven and subsequently adds scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream contagion. As he is eating, Male Parent B<\/strong> receives phone call from Male Deer-Hunting Friend A<\/strong> and immediately informs caller of “delicious” nature of apple pie\/ice cream contagion. Male Deer-Hunting Friend A<\/strong> is urged to “try this stuff as soon as you can.”<\/p>\n

8\/19\/07: Male Deer-Hunting Friend A <\/strong>purchases one bakery fresh apple pie contagion and half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream contagion at Local Market A<\/strong>. Upon returning to Home Residence C, Male Deer-Hunting Friend A <\/strong>serves individual apple pie\/ice cream contagion to Live-in Girlfriend A, Male Child B (son of Live-in Girlfriend A), and Male Teen A (younger brother of Male Deer-Hunting Friend A)<\/strong>. All consume contagion. Live-in Girlfriend A<\/strong> advises group to try second helping with addition of a chocolate syrup contagion. All consume. Male Deer-Hunting Friend A <\/strong>picks up chocolate syrup contagion and semi-rhetorically <\/strong>asks Live-in Girlfriend A<\/strong> if she “remember(s) Reno?”\u00a0 Male Deer-Hunting Friend A <\/strong>and Live-in Girlfriend A <\/strong>retire to bedroom with chocolate syrup contagion. Male Teen A<\/strong> shares opium-laced marijuana cigarette with Male Child B<\/strong>.\u00a0 Both subsequently consume remainder of pie\/ice cream contagion. Dispute over last pie wedge contagion ensues.<\/p>\n

8\/20-21\/07: Police called to Home Residence C<\/strong> after early morning report of “shots fired.” Male Child B <\/strong>taken into custody for alleged shotgun murders of Male Deer-Hunting Friend A, Live-in girlfriend A, and Male Teen A<\/strong>. Multi-unit response to scene reunites Police Officer A of Jurisdiction A<\/strong> with former training academy classmate Police Officer B of Jurisdiction B<\/strong>.\u00a0 Pair agrees to catch up at Local Bar A<\/strong>.\u00a0 Three multi-appetizer sampler platters (comprised primarily of chicken-based and fried-cheese contagions) are consumed at Local Bar A<\/strong> and 11 bottled beer contagions are drunk by each officer. Pair departs at 4AM for Local Diner A<\/strong> where they consume two bacon omelette contagions and a shared stack of blueberry pancake contagion. Officer B<\/strong> laughingly orders two “memorial servings” of pie\/ice cream\/chocolate syrup contagion from Waitress A<\/strong> (who remarks “that sounds awfully good.”). Officers consume pie\/ice cream\/ chocolate syrup contagion at table. Waitress A<\/strong> does same in kitchen with Fry Cook A.<\/strong><\/p>\n

8\/22\/07: Fry Cook A<\/strong>, resident of Halfway House A<\/strong>, calls Waitress A <\/strong>to tell her what a nice time he had talking to her over pie\/ice cream\/chocolate syrup contagion. Fry Cook A<\/strong> invites Waitress A<\/strong> to accompany him to local street fair. Waitress A<\/strong>, ignoring warnings of Waitress B<\/strong>, agrees. Pair spends entire day at street fair, consuming cart-prepared lunch\/dinner contagions and several between-meal contagions, as well as 32 ounces of a sugar-based soft drink\/spiced rum contagion (Fry Cook A<\/strong> only) after a sexual act in driver’s side seat of Waitress A’s<\/strong> automobile.<\/p>\n

8\/23\/07: Fry Cook A<\/strong> informs Dishwasher A<\/strong> of alleged sexual talents of Waitress A<\/strong>. Dishwasher A<\/strong> expresses astonishment and concern over legality of sexual position\/act reminisced upon by Fry Cook A. Busboy A<\/strong> nervously changes subject with inquiry into quality of previous day’s street fair food. Fry Cook A<\/strong> immediately and enthusiastically endorses “jumbo bacon-wrapped beef on a stick” contagion and suggests adding it to Diner A’s<\/strong> menu, just as Waitress A<\/strong> enters kitchen with Waitress B<\/strong> and accuses Fry Cook A<\/strong> of\u00a0 date rape.<\/p>\n

8\/24\/07: Police Officers A and C of Jurisdiction A <\/strong>arrive to arrest Fry Cook A. Fry Cook A<\/strong> escapes to dining room, seizing Infant Hostage A. Chief of Detectives A<\/strong> and Hostage Negotiator A <\/strong>arrive on scene. Head Cook A<\/strong>, having just completed own version of “jumbo bacon-wrapped beef on a stick” contagion, offers the sizzling contagion to Chief of Detectives A<\/strong>, who declines but suggests that Hostage Negotiator A <\/strong>eat it for sustenance, because “who knows how long this scumbag (Fry Cook A) <\/strong>will keep you bargaining for the kid (Infant Hostage A)<\/strong>?” Hostage Negotiator A<\/strong> eats “jumbo bacon-wrapped beef on a stick” contagion and says “wow, that’s sensational.”<\/p>\n

8\/25\/07: “Jumbo bacon-wrapped beef on a stick” contagion makes debut on Local Diner A<\/strong>‘s menu. 167 servings consumed by local citizenry in first 18 hours of availability, followed by 131 servings of apple pie\/ice cream\/chocolate syrup contagion.\u00a0 All subjects, and untold others,\u00a0infected with spiked levels of enthusiasm for these highly-dangerous substances.\u00a0 Subsequent combination of contagions on Local Diner A<\/strong>‘s pre fix menu suggests further mutations ahead.<\/p>\n

Recommendations to follow. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Male Child A consumes 7 pieces of deep-fried chicken<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-101","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/101","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=101"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/101\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=101"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=101"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=101"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}