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<\/a><\/p>\nWhen he stood up, he looked very much like he did on air: short and stocky,\u00a0 a hair line that started in the middle of his head\u00a0 and an expressive mouth with thick lips — \u00a0except there was\u00a0 a heavy feeling about him, like an aging boxer.<\/p>\n
He motioned me to a chair beside his desk.\u00a0 When he returned to his seat he rested his elbow on the desk, cupping his chin in his hand.\u00a0 But as he started to speak \u00a0his elbow slipped off the desk and his chin hit the marble with a crack.<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus. Are you okay,\u201d I said trying not to laugh.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. No.\u201d\u00a0 he\u00a0 said looking a little stunned.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe you should have the desk padded,\u201d I joked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve never done that before,\u201d he said earnestly, then composed himself.<\/p>\n
\u201cPhil\u2019s recommended you very highly,\u201d he said with a heavy New York accent. \u201cDid he tell you about the project?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA little, but not much,\u201d\u00a0 I said.<\/p>\n
\u201c It\u2019s a great idea for a series that I pitched to NBC,\u201d he enthused. \u201cThey love it and\u00a0 want it for prime time. We\u2019re producing the pilot.\u201d<\/p>\n
He touched his chin tenderly.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe idea is\u00a0 that at any given moment, interesting things are happening to people all over the world — births, deaths, fights, big deals in the making, someone\u2019s first scuba dive, winning the lottery, \u00a0all sorts of things. The subject matter is unlimited. There\u2019s humor, adventure, pathos. We\u2019ll have cameras all over the world going at the same time.\u00a0 And we\u2019ll call the show, \u201cIn the Next 60 Minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I tried to imagine\u00a0 how we\u2019d\u00a0 shoot events simultaneously and then edit them to retain a simultaneity that didn\u2019t feel contrived.<\/p>\n
\u201cA great idea,\u201d I said with as much conviction as I could muster and too desperate for work to raise any objections.\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s the budget.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s enough,\u201d he said.\u201d<\/p>\n
And then he offered me the job without asking me anything about myself or previous experience at considerably more money \u00a0than I\u2019d ever made before. \u00a0\u00a0I was to start the following Monday and that was that. The big bucks should have been the tip-off to what lay ahead, but I was so happy to have work I felt like I\u2019d just hit the trifecta at Aqueduct.<\/p>\n
Phil and I shared a large office that was bare except for two desks, a phone\u00a0 and two chairs. No book shelves, no pictures on the wall, no plants or file cabinets. Staff niceties were not in his undisclosed budget. \u00a0There was only an intercom that connected directly to Allen \u2018s office on the other side of the building.<\/p>\n
It was also where the Candid Camera editing suites were.\u00a0 In talking to the editors we learned why Allen\u2019s office was so dimly lit. The wall opposite his desk opened with the click of a button underneath the marble desk top revealing a rear screen projector setup. The projector was connected to cameras in the editing room strategically placed over the editors\u2019 shoulders peering into the viewing box on their Movieolas.\u00a0 Allen could check on whether his editors were working and comment via intercom on their work.<\/p>\n
We also figured out that using the\u00a0 intercom, he could secretly listen in on our conversations. Phil and I were goofing, \u00a0spit balling ideas of what people might be doing at the same time all over the world. \u00a0Stuff we imagined NBC would love.<\/p>\n
Phil\u00a0 said, \u201cHow about a first fuck?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOr, fucking chickens?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow about picking your nose?\u201d<\/p>\n
Suddenly Allen\u2019s voice burst into the room,<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the hell are you guys doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust getting organized, Allen,\u201d I said focusing on the little box on my desk.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need serious ideas from you boys,\u201d he said, and the intercom went dead.\u00a0\u00a0 Phil and I looked at each, not saying a word. The bastard could hear every word we said.\u00a0 \u00a0I picked up a phone book and placed it over the intercom speaker.<\/p>\n
Within an hour Allen\u2019s accountant whose office was next door to ours came running in hysterically,<\/p>\n
\u201cAllen\u2019s trying to reach you,\u201d he said.\u00a0 Something must be wrong with your intercom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s nothing wrong,\u201d I said glancing at the box. \u201cThe light isn\u2019t on.\u201d\u00a0 Then I lifted the telephone book off the speaker and heard Allen\u2019s bark,<\/p>\n
\u201cCAN YOU HEAR ME?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, Allen, something must be wrong with the intercom,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cTurn up the volume.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s up as\u00a0 high as it will go.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood, I\u2019ve asked Maryanne to set up some meetings.\u201d<\/p>\n
As soon as the accountant left, I placed the phone book back on the speaker.<\/p>\n
The meetings his secretary arranged for us, were every day at six.\u00a0 \u201cWhy every day?\u201d I wanted to know.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s what he said.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy at six? How about five?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause he\u2019s not reachable between five and six except in\u00a0 an emergency.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShould we prepare anything?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo need for that. Just be there at six.\u201d<\/p>\n
Phil and I looked at each other. What we didn\u2019t know was that Allen spent an hour every day on another floor\u00a0 being rejuvenated in his own private spa \u2013 a steam in his private Sauna, a massage from his private masseuse and a shower before his meeting. This was his private hour – it was sacrosanct.\u00a0 When a Candid Camera editor entered his inner sanctum without permission to ask a question, opened the door to the sauna and jokingly said, \u201cSmile You\u2019re on Candid Camera,\u201d he was fired on the spot.<\/p>\n
Phil and I arrived \u00a0promptly at six along with the Candid Camera Crew and gathered around Allen, who was all fresh and rosy, sitting comfortably on a couch munching on \u2018crudites,\u2019 \u00a0and sipping a soft drink.<\/p>\n
We sat quietly in back, eyeing the carrots and celery sticks while the Candid Camera crew reported on the days shoot and their plans for the next day.\u00a0 When they had finished and he had asked his questions, the meeting was over. \u00a0He barely\u00a0 acknowledged our presence or offered us (or anyone) a peanut much less something to drink. We never understood why he wanted us there except to show us that he could, so after two more meetings we just stopped going.<\/p>\n
The next day Allen called us into his office,<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere were you last night?\u201d he barked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have nothing to do with Candid Camera,\u201d Phil said, \u201cso why should we be there?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause when I\u2019ve finished with them, we can talk about the pilot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can meet during the day when we\u2019re fresh,\u201d I pushed back.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I\u2019ve got two young kids,\u201d Phil added, \u201cWho I\u2019d like to see before they go to bed.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allen started to object, then backed off,<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay, I\u2019ll have Maryanne set up regular meetings during the day.\u201d<\/p>\n
After that we met a couple of days a week to suggest show segments and eventually develop a lineup although most of the time was spent listening to his ideas.<\/p>\n
Us: \u201cSomeone making their first parachute jump\u201d<\/p>\n
Funt: \u201cWhat about a guy in a small town getting a haircut?\u201d<\/p>\n
Us: \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u201cThe conversation better be interesting.\u201d<\/p>\n
Funt: \u201cThe fact of his getting a haircut is interesting.\u201d<\/p>\n
Us: \u00a0Thinking, \u201cyou\u2019ve got to be kidding,\u201d but saying, \u201cWe need action and adventure.\u201d<\/p>\n
Funt: \u201cYes, but I like the haircut.\u201d<\/p>\n
It became a senseless game of\u00a0 needing to humor him to\u00a0 eventually get what we wanted, \u00a0sequences that would add depth and pop to the show.<\/p>\n
But it didn\u2019t always work that way. A couple of meetings later I suggested\u00a0 a segment on a farm foreclosure which\u00a0 Allen nixed as too downbeat. And Phil suggested a \u00a0segment in a Harlem bar which Allen said was too exotic.<\/p>\n
Two nights later I got a call from Phil.<\/p>\n
\u201cI quit\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean you quit? the show\u2019s just coming together.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t take anymore of Funt\u2019s bullshit. I got a job producing segments on a science show for NET. It\u2019s for a lot less money, but it\u2019s better than this.\u201d<\/p>\n
His call depressed me. Even though I had no problem producing the pilot alone, part of me wanted to quit too. But I had too much pride to quit in the middle of a project even if my boss was an asshole. And, I had to admit I was \u00a0afraid of being back on the street.\u00a0 So I decided to stick it out a while longer and see what happened.<\/p>\n
My only worry was that Allen would \u00a0foist another producer on me.\u00a0 I needn\u2019t have worried. The next day he called me into his office and told me it was a good thing \u00a0Phil\u2019d \u00a0quit because, \u201cThe network\u00a0 wants to cut the pilot from an hour to 30 minutes,\u201d<\/p>\n
Cutting the show to a half-hour made my life a lot easier, as I only needed half as many segments.\u00a0 I \u00a0went back to my office and prepared a lineup I could present to Funt which included some of his ideas and some of ours — a s\u00e9ance, a guy getting a haircut, someone taking their first parachute jump, the world\u2019s fastest drag car race, a birth, an assembly line of workers repeating the same motions over and over again. \u00a0Even though \u00a0it only took me ten minutes to complete I decided to sit on it for a couple of days so Funt would feel he was\u00a0 getting his money\u2019s worth.<\/p>\n
Sitting on it was a waste of time because he immediately challenged any idea that wasn\u2019t his anyway.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow the hell are you going to film a drag car race?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll film the drivers getting ready, their girl friends in the pits, the crowds excitement.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. I mean the race itself, \u201d he responded<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll work it out,\u201d I vamped.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho\u2019s making the parachute jump.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI haven\u2019t to found \u00a0the person yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe type of person is important\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, Allen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean it\u2019s got to be a regular guy, someone we can all relate to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know Allen, that\u2019s what we\u2019re looking for.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should have a camera in the plane and one on the ground to get his reaction.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know, Allen.\u201d\u00a0 \u2026.and so it went through the entire lineup,\u00a0 Allen wanting to control everything and telling me how to do my job.<\/p>\n
The next morning I stormed into his office. He peered over the Daily Variety<\/em>,<\/p>\n\u201cWhat\u2019s up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI quit.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked shocked, \u201cYou can\u2019t quit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes. I can. You hired me to produce this show and now you\u2019re not letting me do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned and started to walk out of his office.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t leave,\u201d he said, almost a plea.<\/p>\n
I \u00a0turned around.<\/p>\n
\u201cShut the door and sit down,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
I closed the door, came back and sat down.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can\u2019t leave.\u201d He looked at me.<\/p>\n
I waited for him to continue.<\/p>\n
\u201cEverybody thinks I\u2019m a funny, happy guy. People come up to me on the street and thank me. They tell me what a great sense of humor I have. How much they love the show.\u201d He paused for a moment to be sure I was taking it all in. \u00a0\u201cBut, the truth is, \u00a0I\u2019ve never been happy. I was miserable from the day I was born. I was a miserable a kid, \u00a0I don\u2019t think I ever laughed a day in my life.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry you\u2019re so unhappy,\u201d I said, not sure whether he was putting me on. \u00a0\u201cBut what does this have to do with me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I want you to understand, I pay people a lot of money,\u201d\u00a0 he said with emphasis. \u00a0\u00a0\u201cI pay them a lot of money so I can beat them up.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can\u2019t pay me enough for that,\u201d\u00a0 I said, starting to get up.<\/p>\n
\u201cWait,\u201d he said,\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re different. You don\u2019t have to take this crap. Most of these other guys have no education,\u00a0 they\u2019re not a college guy like you. You\u2019re educated. So don\u2019t leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
Of course his Candid Camera crew were educated. I thought he was either delusional or bullshitting me .<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll stay on one condition,\u201d I said, seeing my opening. \u201cYou leave me alone to produce the show.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me for a long time. It was hard for him to let go.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d he said. \u00a0\u201cI\u2019ll leave you alone. But don\u2019t fuck up\u201d<\/p>\n
And that was that.<\/p>\n
The next few weeks were actually fun. I bopped around the country looking for the right guy to take his first parachute jump, visited mediums and participated in a s\u00e9ance and went to Bristol, Tennessee \u00a0to line up the drag car shoot and hired top cinema verite crews to film it.\u00a0\u00a0 True to his word, Funt left me alone — until the night before the shoot.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happens if it rains tomorrow and\u00a0 the car race is cancelled?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ll film with the drivers and their girlfriends in the bar having a good time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut if there\u2019s no race?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the premise of the show, interesting things happening to people all over the world.\u00a0 We\u2019ll see how champion drag car racers handle their disappointment.\u201d<\/p>\n
I could tell he wasn\u2019t\u00a0 listening.\u00a0 He was chewing on an idea.<\/p>\n
\u201cI once got stuck for a segment on Candid Microphone. I had a deadline and\u00a0 I needed something right away. \u00a0So I went into a bar on 3d avenue, found a couple of drunks and paid them fifteen dollars each to have a fight.\u201d\u00a0 He laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat \u00a0a brawl\u201d, he said, reliving the moment. \u00a0\u201cThey kicked the shit out of each other. It was a great segment\u201d<\/p>\n
I was speechless. \u00a0Is that what he wants me to do? It felt like an hour before he finally broke the silence.<\/p>\n
\u201cI guess that\u2019s not such a good idea,\u201d he said quietly with reflection. \u00a0\u201cI guess it would look pretty bad if the press found out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI guess so,\u201d I said, hiding my sarcasm.<\/p>\n
He needn\u2019t have worried, it didn\u2019t rain in Bristol and the world\u2019s fastest drag car race took place as planned. We had cameras in the stands, on the field and mounted on the bumpers of the cars. We took a spectacle that lasted a few seconds and turned it into a slick filmic event.\u00a0 The final show was just as slick.\u00a0 \u00a0We cut between a woman giving birth, a man getting a haircut, a s\u00e9ance, the drag car race and the guy making his first parachute jump. Allen insisted we use the man on an assembly line as the motif for the show, often cutting back to him,\u00a0 comparing\u00a0 the tedium of his job to the drama of the other events.<\/p>\n
But in the end the show had no soul because we never got to know the people we were filming. Even an original score that Allen commissioned to spice it up couldn\u2019t save it and the network didn\u2019t pick it up.<\/p>\n
In the end I\u2019d followed my rules — \u00a0I wasn\u2019t afraid to quit, I got the authority I wanted\u00a0 and I certainly put the hot rock in Allen\u2019s pocket.\u00a0 But I also learned \u00a0another valuable lesson \u2013 that I needed to develop my own projects and make my own mistakes. If I failed I had no one to blame but myself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
…it was pretty funny that I\u2019d end up working for Funt in the Summer of 1965.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2239","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-memoirs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2239","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2239"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2239\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2394,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2239\/revisions\/2394"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2239"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2239"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2239"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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<\/a><\/p>\n