I<\/span>t always breaks my heart to see a lost dog poster.\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what\u2019s sadder: Is it the owner sitting at home, feeling guilty, crying, calling friends, looking at pictures of the dog, going to Kinkos to make copies of the lost dog poster, all the while thinking, \u201cI can\u2019t believe I\u2019ve become the person who has to make the lost dog poster.\u201d<\/p>\n

Or is it the dog: confused and wandering down alleys, eating little bits of garbage (actually, every dog I\u2019ve ever known has really loved eating little bits of garbage from the gutter, so maybe this is the one perk of being lost), not knowing how to cross the street, curious about some things, afraid of everything.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a sad situation all around.\u00a0 Still, there are pressing questions whenever I see those posters.<\/p>\n

1.\u00a0 How the fuck did you lose your dog?\u00a0 Were you one of those people who got cocky about letting your dog off the leash on the sidewalk, bragging to everyone, \u201cYeah, my dog can be off the leash \u2013 we have a pretty intense understanding.\u201d\u00a0 Fuck you.\u00a0 Don\u2019t take your dog off the leash.<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0 Within the realm of lost dogs, it seems like more\u00a0than half the time it\u2019s a small dog\u00a0that\u2019s gotten lost, which makes sense.\u00a0 It\u2019s easier to lose small things, like keys, than it is to lose big things, like a dryer.\u00a0 But on the occasions when I see that someone\u2019s lost a mastiff or a German shepherd, it\u2019s harder to understand.\u00a0 Where could it have gone<\/strong>?\u00a0 I feel a sense of failure on the part of the public, those of us who are supposed to be looking out for the dog.\u00a0 How could we not have found it by now?\u00a0 It\u2019s enormous.\u00a0 Open your eyes, people!\u00a0 There\u2019s a 150-pound mastiff wandering the city!\u00a0 Someone must have seen it!\u00a0 Pay attention!!!\u00a0 Live!!!!!<\/p>\n

3. Then there\u2019s the question of whether a lost dog poster is still relevant.\u00a0 Do people come around and take down the posters if their pet has been found?\u00a0 Surely some of these people must find their dogs.\u00a0 Would they let us know if they did?\u00a0 Would there be an update notice, like, \u201cThank you to the people of Branson!\u00a0 Wilbur is safe and sound.\u00a0 We can never express how grateful we are for your support and prayers during this difficult time.\u201d\u00a0 Every so often I\u2019m actually tempted to call the lost dog number just to check and see if there\u2019s any news, any leads.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

4.\u00a0 This is a difficult one, because it\u2019s going to come off as obnoxious, when in fact I mean to help.\u00a0 But the other day I saw a poster for a \u201cLost Parrot\u201d.\u00a0 I\u2019m sure the person who lost their parrot is upset, and cares very much about her parrot, even though I\u2019m not sure how that\u2019s possible seeing as how parrots, like all birds,\u00a0are disgusting.\u00a0 That said, I know people can form emotional connections with all kinds of living things, because as my father once told me, there\u2019s not enough love to go around in this world. (Depressing; probably true; why did he tell me that?)<\/p>\n

In any case, I truly believe that if you\u2019ve lost your parrot you must learn to let go.\u00a0 It has flown away, into an infinite blue sky.\u00a0 Does it prefer to flap about in the open wind, going wherever whimsy takes it, to\u00a0perching day in and day out\u00a0upon its own shit in that tiny brass cage you bought in Chinatown?\u00a0 I\u00a0suppose we\u2019ll never know.<\/p>\n

But your parrot is probably on to bigger and better things.\u00a0 Don\u2019t put up posters.\u00a0 Don\u2019t go to Kinkos.<\/p>\n

Look at this as a sign.\u00a0 Maybe the parrot getting loose is God telling you to quit your job,\u00a0and finally open that bagel store you\u2019ve dreamed about for 10 years.\u00a0 Maybe life is telling you to flap your own wings, get out of your Chinatown cage, put yourself out there and go on a date!\u00a0 Be vulnerable!\u00a0 You put up so many walls, you never allow anyone to truly get to know you!\u00a0 Your parrot knew it!\u00a0 Now you must know it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Look at this as a sign…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2543","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2543","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2543"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2543\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2685,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2543\/revisions\/2685"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2543"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2543"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2543"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}