N<\/span>o one in my family is gay or divorced and statistically this means someone is keeping secrets. I\u2019m not pointing fingers across the marshmallow-topped yams, I\u2019m just saying. I am neither gay nor married nor gay-married, but there\u2019s still time for that. The secret I have been carrying like a biblically proportioned burden though every meal is that I am not a good driver.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not that I\u2019m a hazard to myself and others. It\u2019s actually not much of a secret either. It\u2019s just that I am a bit forgetful. Sometimes I pull out too far at intersections. Sometimes I drive 5 miles under the speed limit. Okay, I often drive 5 miles under the speed limit. But people in my family curse at drivers like me. They say very R-rated things about drivers like me. They get very angry at drivers like me. I\u2019m not gonna blame anyone for misdirecting their anger, but it\u2019s time to hug it out. It\u2019d be nice to see a peace sign in my rear view mirror, maybe, instead of the usual lone middle digit. Did I choose to move my family to a town in the middle of nowhere, where nothing is in walking distance? No. I could be taking public transportation like a civilized urban being. I\u2019m good at taking public transportation. I don\u2019t mumble swears to myself when I walk past random strangers. Seriously, it is time to address this road rage problem.<\/p>\n

<\/a>First of all, it\u2019s a speed limit okay? That means that I am allowed to drive that speed and not have someone all up in my grill trying to crush me with his or her scary Suburban. I don\u2019t like to be cop bait. Also one time I fell to that peer pressure and now I am seeking political asylum in Iceland for an unpaid speeding ticket in the State of Massachusetts. I would pay it, but that would require money and a license, which are things I don\u2019t have. Partially because I lost my wallet when I was in Iceland. I\u2019m not sure how that will affect my asylum plea, but I am also willing to sing all the Bj\u00f6rk and Sigur R\u00f3s songs I know. Icelandic roads are happy and magical so I would also be willing to drive there, for the record.<\/p>\n

Back to the horrors to which I have been subjected in the continental USA. Mostly they revolve around family members of mine experiencing fits of rage when we are going to miss a train or something. It\u2019s just a train. There really is nothing to get angry about. I will plan better next time. But remember how I have an issue with remembering? I don\u2019t, so I probably won\u2019t plan better. I am a mentally fragile thing, so I need to not be in enclosed spaces with yelling people. It makes me experience emotions and according to several doctors that is unadvisable.<\/p>\n

An especially interesting aspect I\u2019ve noticed is that when the angry people forget to put a turn signal on or something, they laugh it off with a little \u201coops.\u201d But really I just want them to know it\u2019s okay if he or she is gay or having marital problems. But if the road rage doesn\u2019t stop, I\u2019m gonna have to start telling people he or she is questioning his or her sexual identity, and by that time I will be safe from your rage hanging out with the elves in the Icelandic hot springs.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I will plan better next time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2737","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2737","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2737"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2737\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2909,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2737\/revisions\/2909"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2737"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2737"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2737"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}