![\"motherandson-finish-745x1024\"](\"http:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/motherandson-finish-745x1024.jpg\")
<\/a>\u201cSo this is your first time out of China?\u201d asked the secretary. I had just arrived at University of Leicester in Britain as a visiting scholar. It was early October, 1991.<\/p>\n\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cYou must be homesick.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cI really, really miss my son!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cYou left him home?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The look on the secretary\u2019s face made me uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cHow old is he?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cOne year and eight months . . . 25 days.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cJesus Christ! He\u2019s still a baby!\u201d The vector of her eyes shot at me like a dagger, her mouth wide open, her eyebrows knitting, her accusing tone sharp.<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 My heart convulsed. I could see my baby son Dai bursting into a loud cry, one week before I left for Britain, stamping his feet wildly, his eyes frantically searching for me. It was his first day in the kindergarten on the Sun Yat-sen University campus where I worked.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cHow often will you go home to see him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cOne year later at the end of my time here.\u201d My grant was so small that going home in the middle of my research period was a foreign concept.<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 The accusing look in the secretary\u2019s eyes became sympathetic. \u201cOh, I feel so sorry for you!\u201d<\/p>\n
* * *<\/p>\n
\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 By the time I was back, Dai had turned two and nine months old, a fluent speaker of Cantonese and Mandarin. He was two babies away from the one I left.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHow come you can speak?\u201d I marveled.<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai gave me a what-are-you-talking-about<\/em> look.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I never knew how much I missed in that year. In fact, I refused to know, to avoid further heartache. In the same way, he would not know how common it was for parents to leave their babies behind to study abroad. In the early days of China\u2019s reforms and opening in the 1980s and 1990s, everyone was hungry for knowledge. When studying overseas was not affordable for everyone I knew, going on a government grant was too good an opportunity to give up.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 On the day I got home, it did not take much for Dai to warm up to me. My mother, who had been taking care of him, smiled and cried as he said in my arms, \u201cGood-bye, Grandma, come and visit any time.\u201d She had shown him my pictures every day, telling him that I went to Britain by plane and that, with each passing day, I would be one day closer to home.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Since then, every time a plane flew over, Dai would go out to the yard, jump up and down in time to \u201cMommy, Mommy, Mommy . . .\u201d, head held high up, hands reaching upward.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 But when bedtime came, Dai began to feel differently. He began crying for Grandma. I had to call her.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cSeeing him so attached to you is great, but it made me think I wasn\u2019t so important to him after all,\u201d my mother\u2019s voice came through with relief.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 It turned out that Dai did not want to be with Grandma without me. He wanted us all around him. He ranked us in the following order: Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma.\u00a0 This flattered me and made me feel insecure at the same time. What had I done to deserve this? For the first week, I kept asking him to rank us. He never hesitated to put me in the first place, while his dad and grandma\u2019s rankings changed alternatively. I asked him about the ranking criterion. He gave me a look philosophical for his age:<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cThis week, Mommy is No. one. Next week Daddy is No. one. Next next week Grandma is No. one! Next next next week will be Mommy again!\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 So he knew what he was talking about. Although my husband Jigang and I had been studying and working away from home, he recognized our importance. Or maybe approved of our absence because of whatever reasons he found for us.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I had to leave Dai again when he was four years and eight months old. My job of teaching English to people who were going to study abroad made me feel that my language skills would not take me too far. I decided to go to the United States to study human geography in 1994. This time, I felt less guilty for leaving Dai behind, as I planned for the family to go to my commencement. I would also call more often and would go home once a year.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Every time I called, Dai came to the phone to say hello<\/em>.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cIf something is half apple and half pear, what is it?\u201d he asked one day.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAn apple pear.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWow, how come you know?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I could see him smiling, showing his baby teeth that were naturally straight. It brought tears to my eyes. How many moments like that had I deprived him of? I could only take comfort in writing essays on life around me. It was something I wanted to do but never had the nerve to. I wrote three pieces about him and eventually ended up writing a collection of his stories before he was 10 years old.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Jigang was touched by the stories. He had either forgotten or had not paid attention to some of the details I recorded. But how could I afford not to remember the details, when I had missed so many?<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I went home for the summer in 1995, with Professor Smith who needed help with some interviews. When we finished all the work, he offered to take Dai to the zoo so that I could spend some time with Jigang.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I set to teach Dai a few words of English so that the two could communicate a little. Dai learned conscientiously for a few minutes: monkey, lion, tiger . . .<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBut this is not right! Why do I have to learn English? Why can\u2019t he learn Chinese?\u201d The five-year-old asked.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBecause . . . because English is easier than Chinese.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIsn\u2019t he a professor? He should know better about learning than many people!\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That put an end to the session.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Late next afternoon, Professor Smith came back with Dai a few steps behind him.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHow did it go?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWell, he kept a safe distance ahead, looking back every now and then to make sure I was following.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou didn\u2019t talk at all?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cExcept when I suggested going to McDonald\u2019s. He beamed and demanded big Mac and coke before I even asked.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I asked Dai why he did not talk with the professor.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cWhy would I bother? He won\u2019t understand anyway!\u201d he gave me an are-you-nuts <\/em>look.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Shortly after that, a Canadian friend of mine, Don, came to visit. Around the time he was due to arrive, I had to go out for 10 minutes for something urgent. I taught Dai to say \u201cI don\u2019t understand English. Please call again in a little while\u201d in case someone called and spoke English.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Don did call and Dai managed to deliver the message.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cYou know, it\u2019s hard to believe he doesn\u2019t speak English when he did it so well,\u201d Don told me later. He could not help asking a few questions, only to hear \u201cI don\u2019t understand English. Please call again in a little while\u201d again and again.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Dai did not get it.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u201cDoes that man understand English at all?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 One day, Dai told me on the phone that he had received a few gifts for Christmas. It was 1995 when western customs began to come to China. He had told grandma that a Santa Claus would deliver gifts to children. My mother did not give it much thought until the five-year-old came home upset the next day, wondering why Santa Claus had given gifts to his friends but not him.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHe must have had too many places to go to,\u201d grandma suggested.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOr perhaps he could not find where my room is,\u201d Dai suggested, \u201cdo you think he\u2019ll come tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 As soon as she could, my mother rushed out to buy a few things. She could not bear to disappoint him, especially with me in the US and Jigang in Canada.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 Dai went to bed early that night, having drawn three arrows to direct Santa Claus from the dining room to his bedroom.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The next morning heard his joyous cry over the gifts.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHe\u2019s written to me too!\u201d he urged Grandma to read the letter.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai must have felt that Santa Claus sounded familiar in advising him how to be a good boy. He asked to see the letter.<\/p>\n \u201cHow come the paper looks exactly like the one you use?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOh, he must . . . have liked you . . . and decided . . . to write when he was here.\u201d<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I was determined to compensate Dai for my absence on the first Christmas after I returned home in 1997. He was seven and had a lot of faith in Santa Claus.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat present do you expect for Christmas?\u201d I asked over dinner two days before the occasion.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll tell him myself.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBut he doesn\u2019t understand Chinese.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A worried look came to his eyes. His chopsticks stopped mid-air with a piece of pork.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIf you tell me what you want, I can tell him in English.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai\u2019s eyes shone. \u201cDigital Monster!\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 My heart ached a little. I had said no<\/em> to this electronic pet that he had asked for several times.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI think it best if we tell him where to get it. He doesn\u2019t know China so well after all.\u201d I paused to see how well he was taking the idea. He had stopped chewing, his mouth bulging with food.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cDidn\u2019t you draw him directions two years ago? You don\u2019t want him to come late again.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cTell him to go to the convenience store at the far end of the wet market. And it\u2019s the closest and cheapest.\u201d<\/p>\n I knew the store. It was 15 minutes from our home.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It worked out well for both of us. Dai rushed to my room with the toy of his dreams on Christmas Day and thanked me for my help.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A year later, Dai started to wonder about the Santa Claus myth. \u201cYou know, some of my classmates said that there\u2019s no Santa Claus at all. We had an argument and everybody was upset.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you think?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He fixed his eyes on my face for longer than I was comfortable. \u201cI think there is Santa Claus if we believe in him.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 A few days after that, I turned on the TV and a clever-looking host happened to say in too loud a voice, \u201cThere\u2019s no such a person as Santa Claus . . .\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I dashed to the TV set and turned it off. Fortunately, Dai was in his room and did not hear any of it. I wanted Santa Claus to be there for him for as long as possible. I needed to give him one magical day a year.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When Dai was 11, I started taking him overseas. I suggested going in May 2001 when we would have a one-week public holiday.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBut I want to spend time with my friends.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The friends he referred to were the ones I wanted him to avoid. They had taken him to pubs and places to eat and play beyond their means. Their parents had money to burn and did not see that it was doing the children more harm than good.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou can play with them some other time. We can go to Japan.\u201d I knew he liked Japan through cartoon and games.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI made plans with them already. Can we go later?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWe certainly can. But I want you to learn about other countries sooner rather than later.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We did not talk about the trip for the next month, until we were in a taxi one day. Dai asked me how to say something in English. I gave the answer.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou know, if my English is half good as yours, I\u2019ll go and live in the US,\u201d the driver said.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhy?\u201d we asked.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBecause things are over 30 times better there than it is here,\u201d he turned around and took a quick look at Dai. \u201cAren\u2019t you tired of school? A distant relative of mine said his son hated it here. He\u2019s now enjoying it in the US because they made school a lot of fun.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai turned to me. \u201cIs it that good?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t think things can be measured this way. And 30 times is definitely an exaggeration. That\u2019s why I want you to go and see for yourself. But you didn\u2019t want to go.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t want to go? You sure don\u2019t know what you\u2019re missing. I wish I had the money to take my son to see the world,\u201d the driver sighed. \u201cYou don\u2019t know how lucky you are, kid. You don\u2019t know life isn\u2019t fair, do you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai went very quiet for the rest of the ride.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u201cIs it too late to plan the Japan trip?\u201d he asked as we got off the taxi.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We went on a package tour to Japan in May 2001. Our experiences and opinions about the temples, the food, and the hot springs varied but we felt the same about one department store in Tokyo.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We window-shopped through a few floors, finding things very pricey. Eventually, we decided to buy three pairs of half-priced chopsticks with fancy designs. It was five minutes before closing time. Yet the shop assistant was all smiles and asked, through gestures, whether we would like to have names engraved in each pair of chopsticks, and for free. The engraver smiled broadly, echoing the assistant by waving the little chisel in his hand.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai and I looked at each other: fancy having chopsticks with our own names on them! I nodded at both the shop assistant and the engraver, but also pointed to my watch. It was indicating the end of their business hours.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Between the confusing head-nodding and shaking, we understood that we were more than welcome to do the engraving. So we did.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It was 15 minutes after their time off work when the job was done. By then, two other shop assistants were there to help. One asked in halting English whether we would like to gift-wrap the chopsticks. Another fancy idea! But I was very concerned about the time. She indicated\u00a0it was not a problem.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When the three individually wrapped chopsticks were presented to us, they looked lovely and exquisite. A shop assistant led our way to the elevator. As we passed one counter after another, we saw all the shop assistants stand by their counters in uniform posture: hands crossed in their front, waiting with gracious smiles for the last two customers to leave.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We were handed over to another smiling woman in the elevator.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWow, I can\u2019t believe they were so attentive, especially well after the closing time,\u201d Dai said as soon as he stepped out of the store.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAnd they were so thorough! It\u2019s hard to think of shop assistants in China gift-wrapping chopsticks, all separately,\u201d I added.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We decided to go the next morning to see how they would open the store. We arrived at the main entrance 10 minutes early. Some employees had already formed two lines behind the glass door. They stood in disciplined silence, each wearing a warm smile, hands crossed in the front.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 As we walked into the store with two other customers, the employees bowed good-morning to us. We marched forward, passing by counters where shop assistants stood like they did the day before, bowing deeply. My amazement quickly turned to embarrassment as I realized that we were making everyone bow all the way.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 We talked about the experience several times during the trip, and concluded that such service-oriented management had to be one important reason why Japan had gone as far as it has.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u201cWhy is everything so messy and dirty?\u201d Dai asked as we rode on the highway from the airport toward home.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201c\u2019Cause you\u2019re comparing it with Japan. This is why I wanted you to see other countries.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai gave me a this-makes-sense<\/em> look. Over the next few months, he would ask the same rhetorical question \u201cWhat would this be like in Japan?\u201d whenever he became critical of something.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 One day a few weeks after the Japan trip, Dai came home shortly after he had gone out to play. Sitting himself down at the edge of a chair in the dining room, he put his hands between his knees, shoulders pushed upward, his back a little arched as if he were cold.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m so scared,\u201d he said, failing to keep his voice from trembling.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened? Are you OK?\u201d I never saw him so unlike himself.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI was walking past the market and suddenly, the thought that I\u2019d die someday hit me. I was horrified. My feet felt weak. I had to come home.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That was an issue I could not help him with. I feared death myself, at an earlier age than him. I had been fighting the fear for over 30 years, rationalizing it, asking friends how they felt about it, consulting religious people, comparing notes with people who also had the fear, without ever finding the cure. Such fear can\u2019t be hereditary! The sight of Dai shrinking with fear devastated me. I had to say something soothing and wise.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cDeath is something we can\u2019t worry about. It happens to everyone.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThat\u2019s why it\u2019s so scary!\u201d Dai raised his head in despair. \u201cThere\u2019s no escape.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t have to die yet. Neither do I. We can leave the worrying to people in their 90s. We still have all the time in the world to figure it out.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai\u2019s look became something like but-that-doesn\u2019t-exempt-us-from-dying<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThere\u2019re ways to extend our lives,\u201d I reasoned, \u201cfor example, if you are good, that is, if you do what I hope you\u2019d do, then I\u2019ll always know you\u2019re good, even after I die.\u201d I had been having trouble disciplining him since he was eight. I could not help throwing this in.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai looked a little alert and a little relieved. The awareness of his mother starting her thing distracted him.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThink of it this way: if you\u2019re a good boy and will always be a good boy, then I\u2019ll be rest assured about you and dying won\u2019t be a problem for me. \u2018Cause I know you\u2019ll be good and I have no worries left.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai\u2019s eyes rolled, trying to work out the logic between my words and his fear.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 One of the issues I had been having with Dai was he hardly came home at the time he promised to. He would come back half an hour late, one hour late. And then, outrageously late.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I did not get it. I worried myself to death. Did it mean that he had a problem with commitment? What good would he be in the job market or anywhere, if he could not keep his promise?<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I had to do something major to teach him a lesson. When he came home one day, over one hour after the agreed time, I asked between my teeth just what excuse he had for that.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI was playing ping-pong. I didn\u2019t know the time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat happened to your watch?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI forgot to wear it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou could have checked with someone.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI did. But it was already late.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you check sooner?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI didn\u2019t know it was that late.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I could feel my anger rising.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLet me have your ping-pong ball.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m going to smash it.\u2019<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou tell me why!\u2019<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBut you paid for it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYes. But I\u2019m not paying for the next one!\u201d I snatched his school bag.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai\u2019s mouth began to pout.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I took out the ping-pong ball.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 His mouth began to twist.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I stamped on the ball.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 His mouth and eyes were wide open with disbelief. He was too shocked to cry.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 For a minute, I did not know where to go from there. Yet I had to bring a conclusion to the whole thing.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sorry to have done this. But I just want you to know that you can\u2019t go on like this. How would I know that you\u2019d take my words seriously if I don\u2019t do something like this?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I had calmed down as a result of the drastic action. \u201cI wish I didn\u2019t have to do it,\u201d I said apologetically.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Tears streamed down Dai\u2019s face.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He went into the kitchen after dinner. Hearing him turn on the electric stove, I tiptoed to take a look: he was boiling the flattened ping-pong ball to bring it back to life.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 For the next few days, Dai came home relatively on time. Then he came home late again. I started warning him and we agreed that I could punish him any way I saw fit if he failed to discipline himself one more time.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Next time when he showed up two hours too late, we were both ready for something major.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAre you possessed or something? Did you do this on purpose?\u201d I tried to sound more inquisitive than angry.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI knew I was late,\u201d Dai said in a low voice, his eyes fixed on the floor, his hands holding nervously on to the straps of his backpack.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cSo you reasoned that you might as well come back even later to make the punishment worthwhile?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHow do you know?\u201d Dai raised his eyelid as if I were a new-found friend.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201c\u2018Cause I\u2019ve been there! \u2018Cause I\u2019m your mother!\u201d I had not thought of what to do for punishment but I should certainly make it worse than flattening a ping-pong ball that could be fixed.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNow, I\u2019ve got an idea. I\u2019m going to break one of your video games.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai turned pale.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cCan it be something else?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNo. It\u2019s meant to be painful so you\u2019ll change for the better.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBut you paid for them and they\u2019re expensive.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI know. I\u2019m going to break only one and I won\u2019t replace it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai could cry any minute now.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNow you get to choose which one you want to give up,\u201d I said, with a morbid sense of pleasure.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOf course you can. You could also have prevented this.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBut it\u2019s too late.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYes, that\u2019s why you have to pay a price. I\u2019m paying a price too.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai wiped his tears.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019ll pick a random one then.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cPlease don\u2019t. Let me have a look!\u201d he grabbed the video tape from me and read the label. \u201cNo, please, not this one.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI did ask you to pick one.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He went through the small box. \u201cI can\u2019t do this.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cLet me pick one and you get over the loss. It\u2019s meant to hurt so you\u2019ll remember.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I picked one tape up and was ready to smash it.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai let out a painful cry. \u201cYou can\u2019t break, break it, by, by, by smashing. You need to, to use scissors.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Now smashing it would be easier than cutting it in half.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 My heart missed a beat as I cut the tape. Dai cried out hard.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He was never too late for home after that.<\/p>\n * * *<\/strong><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When I suggested an overseas trip three months after the Japan one, Dai did not object. We were going on a 24-day trip to Paris, Rome, Florence, Venice, Napoli, Athens, and a few small towns in Europe.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIs there really a God?\u201d Dai asked after he came out of Notre Dame de Paris.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI can\u2019t answer that question. All I can say is that it\u2019s a healthy thing to do. You should find out more about it.\u201d I grew up in an environment where religion had not been encouraged. I had been to churches, temples and talked to religious people, but I just could not get into any religion like some of my friends. I envied them for their peace of mind.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAt least you won\u2019t worry about death,\u201d I added.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That evening, Dai talked about Grandma who took care of him for seven years. He had not talked about her since her funeral.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI wonder how she is,\u201d he started weeping, then sobbing.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I was pleasantly surprised and relieved. It had been five years since my mother died. He seemed to have simply let her out of his life after \u201cshe went to grandpa,\u201d as he put it on the day she passed away. Not that he had erased her in his memory, as he would say \u201cGrandma bought it for me,\u201d whenever I suggested throwing away something that was too worn to use. He would say it with an icy expression, his lips set in a firm line, avoiding eye contact to make it plain that was the end of the conversation.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 On the day of the funeral, Dai cried throughout the hour-long service, inconsolable in his dark outfit, shutting himself from the rest of the world. The sound of crying came in a monotonous three-syllable \u201cng___ng-ng\u201d pattern, his little figure at the tender age of seven trying helplessly to part with Grandma who had been there every day of his life. I held both of his shoulders, connecting his grief to mine.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cBye-bye Grandma,\u201d Dai said as Jigang held him up to see Grandma for the last time. It was the every-day good-bye he would say to her. For a minute, I could hardly breathe. Did Dai just defy death by refusing to make his good-bye sound final? I could not have conveyed that any better.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhen are we going to see Grandma again?\u201d Dai asked on our way home.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cOnce a year during the Qingming Festival.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cQingming Festival?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s April 5, the day in the lunar calendar for mourning the dead.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cCan we go more often, like once a week?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWe can, but we don\u2019t have to come here to remember Grandma. We\u2019ll think of her every day, won\u2019t we?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 When we got home, Dai said he wanted to give all of his 64 pieces of tigers to Grandma. They were a complete collection of toy tigers in the form of cards, through buying packs and packs of instant noodles, his most valued possession at the time.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 After that came the five-year silence. I talked with a close friend several times about this, wondering whether Dai was the ungrateful type.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cTrust me, he cares about her. He just doesn\u2019t know how to deal with the loss.\u201d<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The omnipresent cathedrals and the faith in God in Western Europe must have given Dai some comfort and hope, as he could think of an after-life for Grandma.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHave you been missing Grandma all the time?\u201d I asked with a teary smile.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cY—es, I\u2019ve been, missing, missing her, and, and wondering how she, she has been,\u201d Dai said in a pool of tears.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m sure she misses you too. I\u2019d rather believe that God had led her to heaven. I\u2019d rather believe that she can see us from there and knows that we miss her.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Dai nodded in agreement in another flood of tears.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cCan you believe that a classmate of mine would have had a younger brother if his mom hadn\u2019t had an abortion?\u201d Dai said as we waited in the bus for the driver of our tour, outside the Siena Cathedral in Italy. He had taken out his Game Boy to play.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI can. With the one-child-one-family policy, this is nothing unusual.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cIt\u2019s still hard to imagine that he could have had a brother.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou could have had a sibling too, if not for the same policy,\u201d these words escaped me of their free will.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Startled, Dai looked at me long and hard. \u201cYou had an abortion too?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 For a while, neither of us spoke. I looked outside the window. The Cathedral stood stately and solemnly.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The clattering of Dai\u2019s fingers on the Game Boy became more noticeable as the silence prolonged. He held the Game Boy close to his face, pressing the keys rapidly and nervously.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 He raised his right hand to wipe across his eyes now and again.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNothing,\u201d he wiped his eyes again with his left hand.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cAre you crying?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNo.\u201d Yet tears streamed down faster than he could wipe them.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cDoes he have a burial place?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNo.\u201d I did not even know whether it was a he<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThen we can\u2019t even visit!\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I had not thought of visiting.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cHe must hate me for it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNo. That\u2019s not logical. You came after it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThen he must hate you!\u201d Dai turned to me, his eyes piercing hard, as if he were doing the hating for the sibling he could have had.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That, I never thought about either. In fact, I had not allowed myself to think about it, knowing I would not be able to handle the complex feelings and issues. Dai\u2019s grief and accusation evoked my grief and guilt.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 For a silent moment, we honored the life of the unborn being that would have been part of our family, many years too late, outside the Siena Cathedral, in the faraway country of Italy.\u00a0<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In May 2010, Dai went to Western Europe again after having taken the course Western Civilization at the University of Pittsburgh. He sent a postcard home from the Vatican. \u201cAll is well with me. Hope our family will be here sometime.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That was in reference to something he wrote on one pillar of the dome of St. Paul\u2019s Cathedral when he and I were there in 2001, after debating whether he should write something on it like many others had done. \u201cDAI Fan and BAO Dai are here. Hope BAO Jigang will be here someday. If you are here, please check the following box.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I had laughed that he probably had done too many exercises that asked for a check. I had been touched by his thought of his dad who could not make the trip.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In May 2015, Dai graduated as a history major and an architecture minor from Columbia University. It had taken him seven years to get there, having changed majors, traveled extensively to over 70 countries, had two hiatuses either to recover from hard work, or to debate what his education should be like and about.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cYou know what, Mom, you probably haven\u2019t realized what the three overseas trips in 2001 meant for me,\u201d he said three years into his undergraduate study, \u201dyou may not have picked those countries deliberately, but Japan, Italy, Greece, France, and Australia represent three continents. They were far too overwhelming for an eleven-year old.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I did know one thing. The time abroad with him was most precious because we talked about things we failed to communicate at home. If not for the time in Italy, I would still be worrying about how he feels about Grandma; I would still bear the secret burden of the abortion.<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cI became aware of differences. People. Cultures. Foods. Approaches to problems, and many many other things.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 These would explain why he took courses in philosophy, religion and history and took six study-abroad programs between Pittsburgh and Columbia, in spite of the same frequently asked question by all:<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u201cWhat are you going to do after you graduate?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Dai typically shrugged his shoulders, wearing a smile like he didn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI want to be a thinker,\u201d he told me one day, a little smile playing around his lips.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u201cOne can think even when one has a job,\u201d I reminded him.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u201cI know,\u201d he reached out to pat me on the shoulder.<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Dai is now spending one year in the US, having a great time trying to be a real estate agent in New York City, a multilingual actor for emerging film-makers, and a bar-tender if the first two fail, in addition to his long-term plan of establishing a university and to provide the best education he could think of. I could see him thrive in any of those directions, knowing the courses he had taken, his gig of playing Bruce Lee at the Hollywood Walk of Fame, etc.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0I talk to him every day to find out about his progress. He has had an offer from the Graduate School of Architecture, Planning and Preservation at Columbia University, three major roles in three different short films, and two potential closings for two real estate deals.<\/p>\n \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0I await with interest for further news.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n