T<\/span>o my dear children,<\/p>\n

I write this note to tell you that everything you heard at today\u2019s press conference is true: I\u2019m leaving the Governor\u2019s office because I really do want to spend more time with you. Each of you. And that\u2019s the only reason.<\/p>\n

Tommy:\u00a0 Mom told me about those across-the-boards D\u2019s you\u2019ve been pulling during my little ordeal, but I completely understand. It\u2019s been a stressful two years for all of us. Heck, when your ol\u2019 Dad is being accused (unjustly, by the way) of something so heinous as diverting billions of stimulus dollars to, well, the places where stimulus dollars go when they get diverted, you can hardly be expected to keep up with your schoolwork. We\u2019ll catch up together when your semester ends. And as for that lady friend of mine that everyone\u2019s talking about, well, don\u2019t let anyone ever tell you that making new friends is wrong. \u2018Cause it ain\u2019t. It just ain\u2019t. Now, fallin\u2019 crazy in love with that friend is kinda<\/em> wrong \u2013 especially when you have so much respect for a fine woman like your Mother \u2013 but the heart is one of a few very unpredictable body parts, each with considerably more forthrightness than your brain.\u00a0 But perhaps you\u2019ve already learned that at college. That\u2019s about all I\u2019ve got to say to you right now. Except\u2026Go Gamecocks!<\/p>\n

Billy: As for that pretty little girlfriend of yours.\u00a0 I\u2019m still awful torn up over what happened. For the life of me, I\u2019ll never understand what she was doing naked in my weeknight apartment, binging on whipped cream with that terrible man, or how any sixteen year-old with her whole life ahead of her could put herself in such a dangerous situation. We can only get down our knees and thank God Almighty for blessing me with a security detail talented enough to track down the deaf mute black fella that kidnapped her, stole my apartment keys, and committed such a violent and cowardly act. I cried a river of tears when my aides called me on retreat and broke the news.<\/p>\n

But you know what? It\u2019s all gonna be OK. That wonderful girl\u2019s in a better place and there are other fish in the sea, my boy. And the great thing is that I\u2019ll now have time to help you find that special someone (maybe even your soulmate).\u00a0 Who could possibly be a better wing man than your Dad? Am I right? Let\u2019s race Go-Karts tomorrow, if you\u2019re still into that stuff.<\/p>\n

Lila:\u00a0 I\u2019ll just slide a copy of this letter under your door, seeing as you ate something that didn\u2019t agree with you.\u00a0 Or did you wolf down another of those pineapple cheesecakes again? What did I tell you about eating so fast and then running off to your room?\u00a0 Sweetheart, how you stay so damn thin is a mystery to all of us. But I\u2019ll tell you one thing: you\u2019re still as pretty as ever \u2013 and you\u2019ll always be my special little girl. Now don\u2019t go and spoil the good times to come by appearing in another of those dirty ol\u2019 sex tapes \u2013 no matter how lucrative that market has become\u2026probably because it hasn\u2019t been over-regulated and taxed to death by the Democrat leadership. But I digress.<\/p>\n

Now this may come as a surprise, but I like burning incense too. And that Melissa Etheridge music blasting from your room at night isn\u2019t much different from some of the stuff I listened to growing up.\u00a0 Ever hear of Janey Mitchell? Anyway, I can\u2019t wait to kick back and relax with you and some of those nice girlfriends of yours. Y\u2019all don\u2019t seem to have much left to pierce, so consider my right earlobe a gift. I\u2019m thinking a green feather, or maybe our Lord on the cross. Or better yet\u2026you pick. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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