You can read the previous entries of Sunsh Stein\u2019s memoir in the following issues:<\/p>\n

Memoirs: Issue 23<\/a><\/p>\n

Memoirs: Issue 22 <\/a><\/p>\n

Memoirs: Issue 21 <\/a><\/p>\n

Memoirs: Issue 20 <\/a><\/p>\n

It was the early 1970s and magic permeated the air on the 165 lush acres of upstate New York called Chillum Farm. The world belonged to us — a scruffy, skinny bunch of passionate hippies — and unconditional love and marijuana made anything possible. We planned to change the world by example, living simply with no electricity, plumbing or telephone, working the land and growing much of our own food, and sharing everything. Our lives ran happily on circuits-overload as we worked and partied till we dropped. Celebrating the demise of the nuclear family we created a dysfunctional one of our own. And like the typical American family we lived with hopes, dreams, tractors, sex, chain saws, gardens, animals, births, food, nudity, singing, and ultimately, relationships that went awry. <\/em><\/p>\n

In this installment, the family tries group marriage on for size\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n

A<\/span> funny thing happened after Spindle and Patrick connected on summer solstice. A few weeks into this new magical relationship, she started spending more time with Joy and Shadow.<\/p>\n

Patrick adored her and under his influence, her bright blue artist\u2019s eyes widened as she once again recognized her own talent. He encouraged her and fed her artistic soul. They came back from long walks with assorted bits of nature like bleached animal bones or dried shelf mushrooms; they wove daisy chains for each other, his resting on the curly reddish blond hairs of his chest while hers topped her long brown hair like a crown. They worked side by side in the garden and their nights were filled with passion. He didn\u2019t crowd her — he needed time to do his art — and they each spent time with the rest of us. Patrick easily merged his life with ours, going back only occasionally to his former home at Pierce\u2019s Corners.<\/p>\n

Spindle became the embodiment of the commune mantra \u201cmore love.\u201d Because she was getting more, she had copious amounts to give \u2013 to everyone. The pain that had enveloped her after Shadow left her for Joy in late winter flew away. Through her love with Patrick she could even open up to Shadow. He couldn\u2019t hurt her anymore.<\/p>\n

One day I came in from the garden to get a kerchief to use as a halter top. I had taken my shirt off somewhere outside and couldn\u2019t find it, and I didn\u2019t want to be caught topless out there if some local visitor drove up the road \u2013 it embarrassed the women and the men never looked you in the face when they could look at your chest. On my way to the bedroom I shared with Spindle, Midge, and Lem, I glanced into the middle room where Joy and Shadow were hanging out on their swinging bed. Spindle was there with them. I smiled and waved, happy to see her be so comfortable with them.<\/p>\n

Shortly after, I noticed the three of them spending more time together. \u201cWhat\u2019s with you and those two?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing,\u201d she said. \u201cThere\u2019s good energy between us and I like feeling comfortable with everyone in the family again.\u201d<\/p>\n

It made sense, but something about it felt odd. Still, as long as she was happy\u2026<\/p>\n

A week or so later, Spindle and I were stretched out on her bed in the afternoon smoking a joint. I stared out the window watching the afternoon sun light up the lush summer greenery that grew visibly fuller and deeper green with the passage of each day. Spindle began telling me about a vision Shadow had for Chillum Farm. It was something I hadn\u2019t heard before.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean we\u2019d all be married to each other?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll broaden the idea of family,\u201d she answered.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut we consider ourselves a family now, so what\u2019s the married part?\u201d I didn\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm . . .\u201d She inhaled deeply and passed the joint to me. \u201cWe\u2019d function as though we were all married to each other. More love for everyone.\u201d<\/p>\n

After almost two months on the commune I understand the more love theory but thought it had been overrated in practice. I knew it didn\u2019t mean more sex, but rather had been used as a verbal replacement.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt would strengthen the spiritual and emotional connection,\u201d she went on. \u201cWe\u2019d all love and relate to each other as though we were married. There wouldn\u2019t be one most important person in anyone\u2019s life, we\u2019d all be equally important to each other. We’d be truly communing with each other — all of us — together.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAll for one and one for all,\u201d I muttered as I slid off the bed and stood at the window. In the distance I saw Lem and the tractor slowly circling a field in a heat haze of slow motion. I turned back to her with a shrug.<\/p>\n

At my look she continued. \u201cIf Midge had a problem or she wasn\u2019t doing so good, she’d go to anyone for comfort, not just Lem. He wouldn\u2019t be more central to her than you or me or Shadow \u2018cause we\u2019d all be married to each other.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut what about<\/em> these existing couples?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere wouldn\u2019t really be any need for that because no one person would be any more important to someone than anyone else.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCoupleness is a tough pattern to break. Lem and Midge, Joy and Shadow? They\u2019re gonna just stop being together? You and Patrick?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, no. It\u2019s not going to happen overnight. It\u2019ll take some work.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo who\u2019d be sleeping with who?\u201d I flopped back on the bed feeling agitated. \u201cI don\u2019t mean just fucking — although what about that? But what about actual sleeping?\u201d<\/p>\n

“I guess we’d each have our own space where we could be alone or with somebody.”<\/p>\n

\u201cBut what about jealousy and hurt feelings?\u201d I didn\u2019t see those things disappearing.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s what\u2019s so far out about this. There\u2019d be no reason to feel those things because we\u2019d all be loved by everybody equally. We get hurt or jealous because we think we\u2019re losing love, but this way we gain. There\u2019s more love to go around.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat if you wanted to sleep with Nick and he was sleeping with Joy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI could sleep with someone else.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on! What about when we were in Milwaukee and Donald was with another chick, you weren\u2019t happy. And if you went home with someone else it was more for spite or just to get your rocks off.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat was so long ago!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSpindle, it\u2019s less than three years.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt may as well be lifetimes ago. This is so different. We\u2019re much more evolved, and we\u2019re moving toward a higher plane.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you\u2019re not there yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re working on it. Just like growing the garden and working the land.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut what\u2019s the point?\u201d My resistance level was high.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt will be the actual physical manifestation of everyone being as one, living and working and loving as one toward the common goal.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhich is?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou<\/em> know<\/em>, Sunshine.\u201d She almost whined. She was growing exasperated because we\u2019d covered the common goal before in many stoned conversations, but suddenly I felt a little too free floating and I needed clarification and justification to anchor me. In these weeks away from my singular life in Milwaukee I was easily soaking up commune life, but something about this whole thing made me uncomfortable.<\/p>\n

\u201cLiving our political and spiritual beliefs. Not just talking about it, but doing it. Namaste. Recognizing and honoring the god in each other. To achieve that fully you have to give up ownership \u2013 and that means people as well as things.\u201d<\/p>\n

I started feeling a little queasy. I wasn\u2019t sure if I was getting freaked out because what Spindle said was beyond my grasp, or if I was too stoned to take it all in, even though by now I was pretty used to smoking all the time and functioning in that state. A blurred picture of simultaneous intimacy with all the Chillums crowded my mind. I needed a change of scene.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going out,\u201d I announced and jumped up. Spindle slid off the bed behind me. We passed the middle room where Joy and Shadow were hanging out on their bed.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey,\u201d Joy called out, \u201cwhere are you two going?\u201d Spindle turned around and went into their room; I followed automatically.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat were you doing?\u201d Joy asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot much,\u201d Spindle answered, climbing onto the bed. \u201cWe were just talking about life here.\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked at the three of them, all cozy together. \u201cI\u2019m going out,\u201d I repeated, wondering why the fuck I had followed Spindle into their room. I was heavied out. I felt claustrophobic. And I wasn\u2019t interested in pursuing this topic of group marriage with the three of them, or being part of a physical manifestation of it. I just wanted to escape.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you,\u201d Spindle said to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, too,\u201d said Joy.<\/p>\n

\u201cMe, too,\u201d echoed Shadow, making it unanimous.<\/p>\n

I looked at them, their six eyes staring at me from the bed. \u201cI love you, too,\u201d I mumbled, and beat a hasty retreat out of their room, down the stairs, and out the front door. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.<\/p>\n

I felt threatened and needed to run for cover. I took the garden path, but saw Lem up ahead on the tractor so I turned around and doubled back behind the house, ending up in front of the barn. There was a huge old gray log lying on the ground to the right of the barn doors that functioned as a bench. It was a good spot for contemplation. I plunked my butt down on it and tried to get a grip on what I was feeling.<\/p>\n

It was a hot day. I shivered a little. There were knots in my stomach and they were working their way up into my chest. I felt panicky. At the same time I felt a small spark of excitement.<\/p>\n

I took in the mid-afternoon tranquility. No one else was around, just me and a few flies. My gaze focused on the house in front of me, then moved to the workshop off to my right, then the shitter beyond it, and rested on the pastures, fields, and woods that surrounded everything. All that green coupled with the bright blue sky made a bold statement in primary colors. Or was that primal, to match my feelings?<\/p>\n

I re-ran the conversation in my head. This group marriage thing went against everything that was conventional life. I didn\u2019t think of myself as a conventional person, why was I so freaked out? I was political; I\u2019d left a marriage where I\u2019d \u201chad everything\u201d because I didn\u2019t like the conventional path it was on; I\u2019d been in an interracial relationship; had slept around; I often sought out the fringe elements; and I never much cared what people thought. But this blew me away. Why?<\/p>\n

I sat for a few minutes and then the light bulb went on and I thought, Oh my god. Even though I no longer believe in marriage and don\u2019t think I want kids, I still believe in coupledom. Aren\u2019t I constantly looking for a guy? Holy shit! I\u2019ve got this deep-seated, automatic, romantic belief that the group marriage thing grinds into worthless pulp. I have to expunge a core value of my life. Am I, sophisticated and worldly as I like to think, really just a scared little small-minded provincial Midwesterner?<\/p>\n

The mid-afternoon sun beat down on me as I questioned my current existence. Could I see myself becoming one in every way with the Chillums? Did I want to? For all the intimacy we\u2019d shared since my arrival, just how well did I know these people? And what other unimaginable concept would they bring on next? I sat on the log, both bare feet planted firmly in the dirt to ground myself, and attempted to shift my feelings to thoughts — rational ones. I\u2019d always been a practical person so I directed my stoned mind to dissect the theory and consider the ramifications. The air was unusually still and the farm was oddly quiet as I forced my stoned mind to focus.<\/p>\n

After the first awkward week on the commune, I had easily grown into this life. I thought of it as summer camp for adults, and never having gone to summer camp I was thrilled to finally be at one. I didn\u2019t know the drill, so I assumed that whatever happened, and however it happened, was the way things were supposed to be — these hippies all appeared to know what they were doing. I hadn\u2019t considered that life here was a work in progress and they were finding their way, learning and growing as they went.<\/p>\n

There was no apparent sign of group marriage, although there certainly was group therapy. I\u2019d fallen in with a talky, analytical bunch of people. There were few secrets, and a no-holds-barred approach to emotional freak-out and revelation sucked everyone in, whether as active participant or listener. An intense closeness existed. I came to the farm looking for something new and found communal living. Why not group marriage as a logical extension? Sitting on the log thinking about it, it really did seem, as Spindle said, far out.<\/p>\n

I began assessing each person on the commune as a potential mate. Spindle was easy, after our travels in Europe the previous summer we were linked for life. Did I want to sleep with her? I didn\u2019t have to. I adored my Scorpio sister Midge; our bond appeared strong and lasting. Did I want to sleep with her? I wasn\u2019t into women sexually, but I was attracted to her in an ill-defined way. I put that question on the back burner. I\u2019d grown quite fond of Lem and his wonderful sense of humor, but he could sometimes be distant and I wasn\u2019t clear about my attraction to him. Sex? Maybe. Joy provided serenity and wonderful hugs. Sex? Nah. And Nick, he was handsome and funny and knew a lot about outdoor stuff. He was endearing, but I wasn\u2019t into fair-haired guys. Laurie came with an intense neediness but gave intensely, I also felt an attraction toward her. Did I want to sleep with her? On the back burner with her sister.\u00a0 Patrick brought a warmth I liked but it was too soon to tell about him. Then there was Shadow. I thought he master-minded much of our lifestyle. I was still such a neophyte and was intimidated by him. I definitely did not want to sleep with him.<\/p>\n

So much for basic animal desire. What about trust? Could I rely on each of them for all my needs? Wasn\u2019t I doing that already? Did I need to make a distinction between physical and emotional needs? If I thought about it, except for the lack of sex, both categories were being met, in fact, more than they had been in a long time. What about my independence? Barring the black activist relationship, I\u2019d always been very independent. Could I maintain that in a group marriage and would I need\/want to? I knew I didn\u2019t have to decide anything now, but it felt good to try it on for size.<\/p>\n

As I looked up to see the horses grazing on the other side of the creek, the jumble of confusion in my head became clearer and excitement chased away the fear. My life in Milwaukee was nowhere — my blood family would never give me any kind of intimacy and sharing like this, and what they might think of commune life didn\u2019t matter. Chillum Farm was a happening place with endless possibilities. In theory it reflected my LSD-induced vision of the world as one big family. The Beatles singing \u201cAnd in the end, the love you make is equal to the love you take,\u201d echoed through my brain and segued into John Lennon singing “And the world will live as one” from “Imagine.” Why not start living that vision here with the Chillums? They were ready, willing, and working to be able.<\/p>\n

I felt like I had just worked through the intellectual aspect of this whole thing, now all I needed was to get past the emotional obstacles. I loved Spindle and I trusted her totally. I knew she felt that way about the family. So I figured if she felt that way, why couldn\u2019t I? Hmm. I went inside to roll a joint. I\u2019d worked hard and needed to relax.<\/p>\n

As I let the group marriage concept sink in over the next several days, I became aware that Shadow and Joy had upped the ante on Spindle; it was like they were courting her. I thought Patrick remained her main attraction, but the other two encroached more and more on her time.<\/p>\n

Patrick got word that friends of his from Boston were visiting at Pierce\u2019s Corners. He decided to go back there for a couple of nights to hang out with them \u201cSpindle, do you want to come? Jeff usually has hash,\u201d he asked her.<\/p>\n

She thought about it for a few minutes, then said, \u201cNo, I think I\u2019ll stay here. But bring some hash back if you can.\u201d She smiled and gave him a big kiss.<\/p>\n

The second night of Patrick\u2019s absence we were all hanging around the new room after dinner, the usual reading and talking going on under the glow of the kerosene lamps. Shadow and Joy said goodnight and went upstairs. Shortly after, so did Spindle. When I went up later and passed the middle room on my way to bed, I saw a tangle of naked bodies in motion on the swinging bed, one of them being Spindle. Oh jeez, I wondered, what the hell is this.<\/p>\n

It appeared the group marriage project had gotten underway. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

And Spindle Makes Three<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-615","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-memoirs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=615"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":618,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615\/revisions\/618"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=615"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=615"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ducts.sundresspublications.com\/content\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=615"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}