W<\/span>e\u2019ve been watching you for a while. On the way to our jobs each day you\u2019re hustling along the sidewalk, all portfolios and backpacks. There\u2019s been an intensity to you lately that we think we understand. It\u2019s that time of year again. We know you\u2019re excited and we\u2019re happy for you. We wish, in fact, that we could gather you all into one of the lecture halls for a few minutes to tell you just how happy we are about your graduation, and maybe a few other things.<\/p>\n

Of course, you don\u2019t know us, and there\u2019s little reason you should listen to what we\u2019d like to tell you. We\u2019re not authorities on what you\u2019ve been studying. We\u2019re just the older folk you thread your way through on the way to that early class.\u00a0 We\u2019ll understand if you\u2019re impatient as we hem and haw our way through a few false starts, because we\u2019re not used to speaking to a crowd. It will only take a moment though, so if you\u2019d be kind enough to humor us\u2026.<\/p>\n

The world awaits your imminent\u2026wait, that\u2019s wrong, sorry. We\u2019ll try again. The world is unaware, oblivious, to your imminent disgorgement from this year\u2019s uncomfortably distended academic gullet. That\u2019s better. Certainly more accurate, and really, maybe it\u2019s best that way because it\u2019s difficult for us to understand the nature of your achievement. \u201cMaster of Fine Arts\u201d\u2026does that mean Advertising? Will you be designing those flashing Google ads we see on our screens? Maybe we\u2019ll see your film school experience showcased in a TV spot for irregularity? Or will you write the jingle for it?<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Maybe we\u2019re being unfair. It isn\u2019t your fault the degree has become debased. We know you\u2019ve suffered for your talent. Worked your way through school at those odd jobs, at odd hours, with no money. Stared glassily into the glowing maw of the Great Devourer, your fingers frozen over the keyboard, praying for something, anything, to inspire them. We understand that. We\u2019ve even done some of it ourselves–at least the odd jobs and no money parts. We\u2019re thinking you might feel it\u2019s your time to get PAID, and we certainly wanted that, too.<\/p>\n

The difference, though, between you and us is we hadn\u2019t any artistic talent. We can\u2019t draw. We can\u2019t even hold anyone\u2019s attention with an amusing story. Setting up camera shots? Forget it. Not a clue. We\u2019re grinding away at our careers, those evolved odd jobs, and if the money\u2019s better then it was, well, that\u2019s all we\u2019re ever going to have in our lives. We won\u2019t know the joy of creating something greater than ourselves, a work that lives beyond our last breath. Our only crack at immortality is children.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve out-lived a certain amount of envy for those who could do what we couldn\u2019t, people like you, for whom the Muses come to attention and dance on cue. It\u2019s your self-expression we\u2019ll be spending money on the rest of our lives, your view of the world we\u2019ll talk about at work. We\u2019re cool with that. So if we demonstrate a little exasperation with you from time to time, it isn\u2019t because we think we can take your place.<\/p>\n

If you should notice us fidgeting in our seats fifteen minutes into your new film, our faces betraying something very much like tedium, don\u2019t worry that we\u2019re plotting to re-shoot your scenes. Or if you see us leafing restlessly through your novel, putting it back in our bags, unread, or catch us leaving the gallery quickly after a cursory look at your show, it doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019re unhappy with you.<\/p>\n

We want you to know we love all of you, including the folks who will go on to bring us more of those television \u201cReality\u201d shows, or whatever exciting new genre they ultimately morph into. We have a soft spot, too, for poets and painters whose work isn\u2019t meant to be understood. Also, of course, the writers, freshly baked in huge batches, uniformly browned and sweet, all made from exactly the same ingredients. Filmmakers of the \u201cDeath by a Thousand Cuts\u201d school tickle our fancies as well: all those flash-edited tidbits and pixilated diarrhea, squirting across the silver screen.<\/p>\n

Because even the worst of you mirror us to some degree. We have to love you because anything less would dredge up a lot of uncomfortable stuff about ourselves that we\u2019re not ready to deal with just now. You\u2019re what we have at this point in time. Let\u2019s leave it at that.<\/p>\n

What we\u2019re doing today is giving out gifts. We have something for every student as a token of appreciation for your graduation. After thinking long and hard about what would best help your careers along, we\u2019re pleased to be able to offer a few things you might find useful.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s begin with one last shot at killing the beast with a thousands heads. You\u2019ve been warned already against choosing the MFA path for the career opportunities. If you still entertain the notion of making a killing in the fine arts, or any nonsense remains about a private jet, or million dollar pied a terre<\/em>, there\u2019s still time for you to pursue a business or law degree. If the artistic life is merely more glamorous than harnessing yourself to the kind of work we have to do, we already know what your work will look like, and what we should give you.\u00a0 It\u2019s an idea so boffo, so money-in-the-bank-sure that it must be whispered. Here it is: To the best of our knowledge, no one has done a novel or film about bocce ball.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a once in a lifetime opportunity, but if you decide to accept this gift, do it right, please. Don\u2019t cheat us out of what we\u2019ve come to expect from your kind of art.\u00a0 Writers, remember to keep it positive, life-affirming, and warm. And while we\u2019re talking of warmth, don\u2019t forget to put some pets in the piece, with lots of cute dialogue from master to mutt. We love those puppy-dogs and kitty-cats. They\u2019re such non-threatening characters.\u00a0 We\u2019ll expect a few dark moments in your work, so long as there are plenty of hints that success is the order of the day. We like our successes to be readily apparent, too. Don\u2019t give us something drawn out, incremental, ambiguous. We can read about Iraq if we want to explore the pleasures of that kind of success. Write something we can give as Christmas gifts.<\/p>\n

The number of shots in the film should approach that of the known galaxies. Fire them at us rat-a-tat-tat from your machine-gun lens, nano-second jewels blasting us to orgasmic bliss. Who needs long shots? The scenes end up looking too much like our lives–kind of slow. Speed everything up. Make it look exciting and chic and you\u2019ll make us<\/em> exciting and chic. Kind of. Pull out all the stops and show us what you can do. Give us the genial screw-up pulling himself together against overwhelming odds. Think of bocce ball as the moral equivalent of war. Give us the slo-mo ending, with everything riding on the last play. And please give us some golden sunlight bathing everyone in butterscotch-hued triumph. We already want tickets.<\/p>\n

You should also think about getting into promotional art. Nobody does a good book or movie poster anymore. Artists, get in on this gold mine and you actually will sell one of your paintings. Or if you want to make real money, your classmates will need lots of brightly colored promotional material for their novels and films. Make their acquaintances. And do we have to even mention the internet potential? We look forward to cute little bocce balls bouncing cleverly across our screens. Repeat this until its part of you: A lot of good<\/em> artists worked in advertising. Really.<\/p>\n

Maybe you don\u2019t want our gift? Maybe you would like to make your own statements, something a little more ambitious than bocce ball. That\u2019s fine with us because, to be completely truthful, we\u2019re a bit tired of that type of thing. We think we\u2019d like to be made uneasy. Yes, we\u2019re more than ready for some troublemakers who might occasionally withhold a happy ending, or give us the kind of happy ending we didn\u2019t know we wanted. We\u2019re willing to try that, if you are, though it\u2019s difficult to ask of you because, as you know, it isn\u2019t a good plan for your career.\u00a0 The chance at a house in a gated community will likely go. No gala receptions for your new novel or film, or gushing, congratulatory e-mails. You\u2019ll be attending pot-lucks instead, and reading e-mails from people who wonder why you can\u2019t write or film something warm, and you won\u2019t know what to say in return except that it doesn\u2019t feel right for you.<\/p>\n

We know what you\u2019d be giving up and, if it\u2019s any consolation, you\u2019re the people we dream of\u2014being, if we had cutting edge minds and the guts to play it straight. Too much of our money is wasted on easily digested art, on puppy dogs and butterscotch triumph. When we feel like stretching ourselves, we\u2019ll be coming to you. We haven\u2019t given up on the idea of being an informed public that demanded the very best of art. A hundred years from now, we\u2019d like it said that the Western Tradition remained strong during\u00ad\u00ad our time. You\u2019ll be carrying our sword in that fight.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re determined to break your hearts by refusing to give us what we\u2019re comfortable with, then we need to give you a different gift, in the form of a warning: Don\u2019t expect too much from your education. Oh, we know it undoubtedly tightened up your writing. Your brush strokes gained additional authority. It helped you master some of the technical aspects of filmmaking. Don\u2019t let comfort with technique fool you about why you\u2019re here on this planet. You exist to have good ideas and suffer the consequences. School ground an edge on your talent, but the ideas were yours to begin because that\u2019s who you are and that\u2019s how art works.<\/p>\n

Your education was arranged to make your career easier, but your<\/em> career won\u2019t be easy. You\u2019re afraid of not making enough to live on and we feel for you. We\u2019re afraid you won\u2019t, too. But there are other things we\u2019re just as afraid of. We fear the tyranny of the multi-book deal and best-seller lists stretching to infinity. Sequels marching tirelessly over the horizon scare the crap out of us. We fear those wine and cheese art extravaganzas like poison. Most of all, we\u2019re scared of art as product. It\u2019s cruel, but we\u2019d like you to have just enough to do what you have to do.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ll be called elitist by those who haven\u2019t found a convenient way to make money from your work. Get used to it. Get used to fighting back. In the twenty-first century, when our country has fallen from its leadership in too many categories, isn\u2019t some elitism exactly what is needed? America re-invented a particular type of it more then two centuries ago, a kind of preferment the world had not seen since the Hellenic civilization. It was not the elitism of blood, of tracing family ancestry back to royalty, or Plymouth Rock. Not trust fund elitism either, pitiful nobodies propped up on Mommy and Daddy\u2019s money. It was the notion that good ideas trump blood and purchased status. It was revolutionary then and it\u2019s still revolutionary. Yes, keep telling yourself a bit of the right kind of elitism might just be the ticket.<\/p>\n

You can do this. Good ideas are your stock in trade. They\u2019re your double-edged sword and we\u2019re hoping you\u2019ll cut us up even as you slice yourselves thin. We go to work every day hoping for someone to startle us, someone whose education hasn\u2019t neutralized them, rendered them harmless. That\u2019s you. Put something in your work for us. We promise not to look away, or, if we do, we\u2019ll come back to you, we\u2019ll keep trying. Don\u2019t forget us after graduation. Wherever you end up, we\u2019ll still be on our way to work every morning; wishing, hoping, dreaming of you. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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