At Hammacher Schlemmer, we believe that a gift reflects as much on the giver as it does on the recipient...

Surviving the holidays isn’t easy. You just upped your meds to make it through Thanksgiving, and now Santa Claus is comin’ to town. The pressure’s on to find the very best gifts your friends, family, and co-workers don’t need. Or want. If you’ve had it with the stress and cost of gift-giving, Hammacher Schlemmer can help. Place one of these too-perfect, high-end Hammacher Schlemmer presents under the tree this season, and you may never have to feign delight over a pair of argyle socks again.

The New 15x Magnifying Mirror $59.95:
Spend precious vacation time staring into the world’s only 15x-maginfication travel mirror that affords you, well, the world’s closest look at your cavernous pores, your gray, aging skin, your protruding nose hairs, and your bushy, bushy eyebrows. When this item joins you on your next romantic and breathtaking jaunt, I hope you’ll discover that you and your lover are not the only two things that have grown closer together. [Seriously, have you looked at your eyebrows?]

The Best Wireless Home Intercom System $69.95:
This four-channel home intercom system allows you to talk to any room in your house and tested best for clear, uninterrupted sound over 1,500′. So, sometime during the darkest, coldest winter night when you scream, “Help me! Please! I can’t fucking take it anymore!” into the unit, you’ll be absolutely certain that every member of your household has heard you. And not one of them cares.

The Unbreakable Crystal Cut Tableware Prices start at $29.95:
These amazing and sparkly unbreakable serving pieces made from the same incredibly durable polycarbonate material used in bulletproof glass deny you the one pleasure you actually look forward to at formal holiday gatherings.

The Accurate Easy-To-Read Digital Scale $69.95:
Now I know you’ve always said that you like a little room for error when it comes to your weight, but Ha! Ha! Chubby, fat chance of finding it here. With an accuracy level within 1% for precision weighing, coupled with a LCD readout in numbers that stand a ginormous inch-and-a-half tall, there’s no way you – or your neighbors – can mistake the results. What’s equally exciting is that The Accurate Easy-To-Read Digital Scale gives readings in kilograms and stones to remind you that you’re also dangerously overweight in Europe.

I’ve included Schlemmer’s queen-sized Memory Foam Sofabed Mattress Pad $159.95, which you will soon discover has molded itself into the shape of me and my skinny mistress fornicating, to end our relationship altogether. Have a great life and a happy New Year!