The following is an entry from CrankyPants, the blog. It received so many responses (thanks mom) that we thought it deserved a second life here.
Being an American and a genius, I’m entitled to stomp on the rights of others while trumpeting the benefits of secular ideals, like free speech. That is to say, there are three words that I think should be stricken from the English language. I’m sick of hearing them. Young people today (and by “young”, I mean anyone who uses a cell phone) have as much verbal dexterity as your average goat. Not that I have anything against goats: they’re really cute and if they didn’t insist on shitting all over my living room floor, I’d adopt one. But I prefer goats that are...well, goats. Not humans. Human goats are a plague on our society that must be stopped. Which gets me back to my original point: banning words. Without further ado, then, here’s my list of three words that should be stricken from the English language. Those overheard violating this rule will be strung up by their shoelaces and forced to watch reruns of Sex in the City until there’s nothing left of their brains except mucus and high heel shoes, which we’ll then drain and feed to farm animals.
Word #1: “Like.” I was, like, talking to my Grandpa Schlomo about this word and we got into a really bad argument. I was like, Man, the word “like” is used a lot nowadays, and he was like, Vat?, and I was like, Grandpa I think I peed my pants, and he was like, Save some of your Grandma’s rice pudding for me, and I was like, Do you think we should, like, ban that word from the English language, and he was like, You ask me another stupid question and you know where this boot’s gonna wind up? Like, it was intense.
Word #2: “Literally.” Literally is literally the most overused word on the planet! Literally! Later, after our intense argument over the word “like,” I asked my Grandpa Schlomo if he’d chilled out at all and he was literally madder than a Dad on Mother’s Day. He was like, I don’t know what you people are saying most of the time. He was literally crazy! I was like, No problem Grandpa, you’re just old and so you’ve lost track of what’s hip, and he was like, I wasn’t even born in this country and I talk better than most college graduates. He was literally kicking my ass. I was like, Do you think people are just stupid now, and he was like, What do you tink, Einstein? He was literally awesome.
Word #3: “Awesome.” The word awesome is literally awesome. After my Grandpa Schlomo removed his boot from my buttocks, I was like, That was an awesome butt-kicking, Grandpa, and he was like, Do you even know what the word “awesome” means, and I was like, Aww, Grandpa Schlomo, you’re so funny and then he had a heart attack and I rushed him to the hospital. I was literally scared. The doctor who saw Grandpa Schlmo was like, You didn’t have a heart attack, you just ate too much rice pudding, and I was literally shocked, and Grandpa Schlomo was like, Take me to a porno, and I was like, you’re soooo awesome! Like, it was literally the most awesome moment in the history of man!
I’m guessing there are other words that deserve banishment, but I’m not thinking of them right now. Although I must admit, after writing this, that it’s not a word’s fault when it’s used incorrectly. It’s the speaker’s. So maybe we should just ban free speech altogether. At least the sidewalks would be quieter.