Bentonville, Arkansas: In a shocking admission that surprised half of the world’s population, the surviving members of the Walton family announced earlier this week that they are checking into the Betty Ford Clinic to treat a debilitating wealth addiction.

Jim Walton, the youngest son of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton, worth an estimated $34.7 billion, cited an uncontrollable impulse to accumulate more wealth than the entire world population as the main reason for his trip to rehab.

Walmart3Commenting to news reporters in front of his heavily securitized gated mansion, he stated, “I cannot in good conscious stand by any longer as the American taxpayer continues to subsidize the health care and food stamps of the millions of Wal-mart employees that barely make a living on the minimum wage. I hope the good doctors at Betty Ford can help me try to live a more minimalist lifestyle and give back to the 3.5 billion people in the world who make a thousand times less than I do. I make the yearly salary of a schoolteacher in the time it takes me to rub one out and I hope to subconsciously believe that that is a fundamental problem that affects the global economy.

If there is any way the doctors at Betty Ford can inject an “empathy gene” into my anus, I will gladly get that done. I owe it to the families of small business owners whose financial lives were destroyed by Wal-Mart and to the millions of American middle class taxpayers. I feel nothing right now for any of these people. I still feel like screwing them over and lobbying Congressional lawmakers for my own benefit, but I hope my beliefs and actions change with the proper treatment. I refuse to leave the clinic until I truly adopt progressive economics into Wal-Mart’s business model. Until then, screw those minimum wage workers.”

His misfit sister, Alice Walton (also known for downing enough margaritas to inebriate the entire population of Mexico City and being arrested for multiple DWIs–and who also struck and killed a pedestrian and wasn’t even issued a ticket, let alone an involuntary manslaughter charge) added to her brother’s sentiments.

When reached by phone, Alice commented, “I’ve hit the sauce really hard over the years but alcohol is the least of my problems. Do you know how hard it is to look at someone living in squalor and still feel like taking everything from them? Yeah, I opened up an art museum in Arkansas, but it was funded by stingy business practices and I’m really happy about it. The good life is awesome.”