Do you want to sound brilliant and as wise as someone from farther away than you can drive in two days? Memorize these sayings. Whenever three or more are gathered, quote one and maintain a poker face. Your friends will conclude that they have deep meaning, and that you’re wiser than a white girl in California who has Chinese calligraphy on her breasts. Further, you’ll offend no one:

A woman never sunburns on the palms of her hands.

You can tell a lot about a woman by what she says on a winter day.

A potty of gold will never produce a rainbow.

When raindrops share with one another, they wish they were hailstones.

A slave driver never asks, “How’s my driving?”

Life requires but one tool that we spend our lives seeking.

Live as if your house was going to be featured in Architectural Digest.

The man in the moon has worn earrings for eons.

All golf games end at the clubhouse.

In the country of the blind, the ophthalmologist plays countless rounds of golf.

Even the plains have mountains.

A hammer never needs sharpening.

It’s never too late to turn over new gold leaf.

On a circular road you’re always here—never there.

Progress begins with sideways steps.

Ask yourself if you could put your problem in a bag.

Today’s battlefield may be tomorrow’s rental property.

Beware of a seven-course meal whose third course is dessert.

A note of caution—you’ll gain a reputation for wisdom. Remember when people come to you for advice, they’ll only value it if you charge for it. There’s no such thing as free absurdity.