“Twice daily, the pool servers present complimentary fresh Maui pineapple to guests. If you are lounging in the pool, don’t worry about being left out; the servers will enter the water fully dressed to ensure you are able to partake.”

— from The Ritz-Carlton Kapalua Web site

Thank you for your inquiry regarding employment opportunities as a pool server at Ritz-Carlton Kapalua. The first step in our candidate evaluation process is the below questionnaire. Please fill it out and return it to us so that we might get to know you a little better. Just circle one of the following five responses to each question: A) Very Likely B) Somewhat Likely C) Somewhat Unlikely D) Unlikely or E) Highly Unlikely. Please answer all ten questions.

1. Late at night, a friend calls you from a pay phone to say that his car has broken down in a seedy part of town. Your friend is neither a Triple A member nor an owner of a vehicle offering free roadside assistance. Hmmm…with a friend like this, should you even be applying to Ritz-Carlton Kapalua? Just kidding. But seriously, what is he doing in a seedy part of town to begin with? And what’s with the pay phone? Doesn’t he own a cell phone? We can’t help but wonder. Main question: How likely would you be to even have a friend like this?

2. OK, so you do have a friend like this. (If you did not circle Answer A on previous question, please do so before completing this question). We understand recklessness far more than you think we do. Are you as reckless as your friend? Ever done something reckless? Maybe you just feel reckless sometimes. Main question: How likely would you be to do something reckless if you were guaranteed to wake up safe in bed the next day?

3. You had to know going into this that we aren’t in the habit of hiring reckless people. So do go back and circle Answer E, Highly Unlikely, before we continue. Underline the word just like we did while you’re at it. You know, placing an emphasis on good traits is something we think is, well, a good trait. Which makes us wonder: just how “good” a candidate are you? Good? Very good? Exceptional? Main question: How likely would you be to call yourself an exceptional candidate?

4. Kind of cocky aren’t you? But that’s OK. Really. The world wasn’t built by the milquetoast. By now, you’re probably wondering just how well a confident person like yourself would fit in at Ritz-Carlton Kapalua, aren’t you? That’s good…think ahead. In fact, think five years ahead: you’re fitting in, making lifelong friends of good character, working hard, and moving forward. One day, your spouse or partner asks you to “stop and smell the roses.” Heck, everybody loves roses. We love roses. Main question: How likely would you be to indeed stop and smell them?

5. If you didn’t circle Answer A on the previous question, why not? Why are you so driven? Getting ahead is one thing; focusing too hard on advancement at the expense of what’s really important in life is another. Go back and circle Answer A now. Highlight it too.

6. We can’t say enough about the good work you’re already doing. We’re the first to admit that this isn’t the most traditional of questionnaires. Thanks for being so cooperative. I’m hungry. Are you hungry? I’d just love something from Omaha Steaks right now. But let’s continue your stellar questionnaire work first. Another scenario: You’re involved in a dispute over a piece of commercial real estate that is likely to generate significant revenue for you and a consortium of business partners. A rival accuses you of being stubborn and unrealistic. But that can’t be true. You are far from stubborn and, quite frankly, we think you’re one of the most realistic people around. Are we right? Main question (two parts): How unlikely are you to even get involved in the ugly world of business? You’re far more likely to choose an occupation that conjures traits like dignity, sacrifice, and service, aren’t you?

7. Aren’t you?

8. We do hope you’ve circled Answer A by now. If you haven’t, you may want to set that pen down and take a good long look at yourself. How likely is it that you’ve made more than your fair share of mistakes in life and figure it’s about time you started listening more and acting out less?

9. Good. And thanks. It was indeed the answer we were looking for. You know, the positive feelings we have for you just keep on flowing. But that’s not to say we don’t have a few concerns too. Specifically, we’re a little worried about your response to our next question, as so many other applicants just like you have disappointed us at this stage. You wouldn’t disappoint us, would you? Main question (three parts): How likely is it that you come from nothing? You’re at the end of your rope, aren’t you? You want a job at Ritz-Carlton Kapalua so bad that you can taste it, can’t you? Circle Answer A right now or consider this process over.

10. We’ll just come out and say it: you are a leading candidate for the first available opening at Ritz-Carlton Kapalua. You’ll also be happy to know that this questionnaire is now complete. Well, almost complete. Final question: How likely would you be to send us a vial of your blood and a complete set of fingerprints with your completed questionnaire? Well that’s great! We had hoped you would.