Subject: Who’s your daddy? Had that nightmare again. I’m an infant. Mary Magdalene and Jesus Christ (A.K.A. Mom and Dad) are appearing before the tribunal of Maurypovitchus, debating my paternity. Dad’s friends are calling Mom a prostitute, a ho, a groupie, an “Apostle aid,” a frankincense-digger... Dad is just sitting there, turning the other cheek, which Mom calls “passive-aggressive.”

It’s pretty obvious what’s going on with me: I’m terrified of what will happen at the trial. So’s Lois. She said if they come after our place on Star Island, she’ll go out with guns blazing. What a woman. By the way, she brought the silver Bentley in for service this morning.

Author’s note: I recently wrote a first-grade level reader, to be published later this year. The publisher restricted me to a list of 126 words, as well as any word that could be constructed from a simple consonant-vowel-consonant combination. (Dr. Seuss’ The Cat In The Hat, by contrast, was written from a list of 223 words.)

It took British surgeon and inventor PM Roget 47 years to create the thesaurus. When his invention the “Hands-Free Umbrella” failed, the thesaurus became the esteemed doctor’s lifelong obsession.  An audiotape of Roget’s inaugural creative session was recently discovered at the British Library, the London facility that houses more than 150 million items of international importance.

I've yet to hear a really good John McCain impression.

An Owner’s Manual for a Misused Car

Excerpted from the posts of